I've been passed so many times. I honestly don't know how many times I've been lapped since I tend to wander off from people once they've gotten securely pregnant. No one I know personally has tried for as long as I have. No one I know has taken the limited intervention road that I have either. I didn't really choose this road. I have limited coverage and we are bogged down in student loan debt so those expensive interventions are mostly out of reach anyway. Time keeps ticking by, my eggs age, my body gets less "prime" and I feel more hopeless.
When I was 35 years old, and had been trying off and on for 3 years, I decided that 37 years old will be my reconsideration time. That is now 7 months away. Granted I didn't know I'd be taking a 10 month break in my 35th year, but I still think it would be good to reconsider where I'm going. I'm not willing to say I'll give up then. Maybe that will be when I toss financial caution to the wind and attempt to do some sort of infertility intervention extravaganza. Maybe I'll decide to put off deciding for another year. I promised myself that I'd quit by 40 years old but I left the last 3 years of my 30's open to whatever I thought I could handle. I don't want to leave this road without a baby but I also don't want to spend 10+ years obsessing over this. I'm hoping I never have to make this choice but I won't avoid it forever. I want a baby, desperately, but I also want a life that isn't defined by a constant quest for something I may never get.
Oh, fuck. Why can't I just get pregnant?
It's really an awful feeling to think about the few people I know who have been at this longer and are still hitting their heads against walls. It's awful because I know so, so well what that feels like from the other side - almost unbearable some days. I wish I could fix it. I wish you were pregnant.
ReplyDeleteIf you do decide to go for a high intervention strategy, I've got some follistim that's expiring this summer (I can check the exact date) that's all yours if you want it.
@insertmetaphor: Awww, thank you. I know that everyone who has been on this road always has this kind of graduating guilt for those of us who haven't succeeded yet. I live vicariously through reading about other's pregnancies and hope that I'm not far behind.
ReplyDeleteDue to Monkey's job change soon we likely won't be going the intervention route until after summer. Thanks for thinking of me though!