Mark a Win

The last two years have been all about becoming more healthy. I started with properly treating my depression and anxiety (check!), moved on to addressing my eating disorder and obesity (check and ongoing check!) and lately it has been all about dealing with chronic pain.

Yes, I have chronic pain. I consistantly averaged a 6-7 on the pain scale daily. (Anything over a 4 on the pain scale will trigger most doctors to hand you prescription strength pain killers.) This started when I got a pretty severe repetitive stress injury in my back and right arm at 25 years old. It took six months to go back to regular full time work and a year to get to a stable point. Even then I was marked off as having permanently lost 8% of my physical ability forever. I was told that I would have flare ups of back pain for the rest of my life and a higher chance of tendon issues and arthritis. I assumed this meant I should just push through the pain because it would never really go away. I came from a family of addicts (various) so I wasn't about to pop narcotics on a regular basis and risk addiction. So I ignored it...for the last 11 years. And, surprise, the pain got worse. I injured myself repeatedly and had horrible flare ups that left me crying on the couch unable to move my arms. It made my depression and anxiety worse. It make me binge more for comfort. It made exercise 10x harder and so I continued to gain weight....which made my pain worse. You see how this feedback loop goes?

Well, silly me, I didn't realize the damage I was continually doing. Not just to my body but to my brain! I knew about neural pathways and how they become more likely to follow well used connections, like a rut in the road, but I never made the connection to pain messages. I have spent the last 11 years making deep ruts in my pain pathways. Now some of my pain has nothing to do with actual physical injury! The damn buggers are just zapping my brain with pain messages any old time they feel like it! (Side note: It is a theory that this is a possible cause of fibromyalgia. My primary NP suspects I would meet the diagnostic criteria for fibromyalgia but I don't think I'll bother with that.)

Two years ago this would have seemed like a situation impossible to change. I would feel helpless and hopeless. Thankfully, I'm new-found stability gave me the platform to address this. About 6 months into this new pain improvement project and I feel fantastic! I've tracked my pain, discovered what helps and what hurts. I've re-organized my chores, my kitchen set up and learned to ask for help from Monkey and Author when I have flare ups. As a result, I'm spending most of my time at a 1-2 on the pain scale and managing to get more done that I did before! I have accepted that careful use of some mild narcotic pain meds are a good thing and that, if I don't ignore my pain, I'm less likely to need them. I've added a regular, non-narcotic med that is managing my nerve-related pain amazingly.

So I'm marking another win in the "Bear 2.0" project!

So close I can taste it.

I have lost 60lb so far. I'm just about 5lb from having lost 20% of my starting body weight. I can't quite believe it yet when I look in the mirror or get on the scale each week there it is. My smallest pair of jeans are now so baggy I always need a belt. Even the shorts I bought earlier this season are getting baggy. Shirts that used to be tight are now more relaxed. I had to buy new, smaller underwear.

Monkey is also losing weight wonderfully. We've had to buy new clothes for him as well. I am small enough now that I can fit into his bigger clothes so I've been taking his shorts and a couple t-shirts from him. His jeans, if hemmed rather than just rolled up, are too short for me to use. (I'm not tall, only 5'4". Monkey is very short.) His style is very different than mine as well. I know that as cold weather approches we will both be forced to buy warmer clothes that actually fit.

I never thought I could be this successful at losing the weight. Everything is easier now. Even losing weight feels like less of a struggle now that I've been doing it for the last 7+ months. I feel like I'm riding a wave rather than trying to swim against the tide.

The Dinner Project - Taco Salad

For this Dinner Project post I'm going back to the meal that started this all. The taco salad that made me think "I need to take a picture of this!"

For our taco salads we have little or no carbie stuff. Author will sometimes have a few light tortilla chips with his but that is about it. Mostly, it is all about the meat and veg for me though we do have beans and rice as well.

We start with extra lean ground beef, no more than 5% fat. We get it from a place that grinds it's own beef and doesn't add any of that disgusting "pink slime" filler that is chemically treated. (If you don't know about this stuff I suggest you look it up. Foul! And in almost every bit of ground beef on the market!) Someday I'd like to grind my own beef but this supplier is fine until then. I cook the beef in salsa. Nom! Since Monkey has an allergy to fresh tomato, the salsa has to be blended smooth and cooked completely. (We have no idea why this works for him but is the only way he can eat tomato products without severe nausea/vomiting and hives.) As a result, I usually add some Anaheim peppers and

onions to give it a little more texture.

For the veg, I saute a bunch of veg, usually red and green peppers, onions and mushrooms. Then the fresh salad fixings. We usually go though whole head of lettuce for the three of us. I like a nice mix of butter and red leaf lettuce. I'm the only one who eats fresh tomatoes but, during the season, I use a ton of them! I also save a little of the salsa before blending it for Monkey so I can add it to my salad. We top off the veg with some olives and, sometimes, roasted green chili.

The fatty bits: Ideally we would have fresh guacamole but good avocados are 1) difficult to find in Oregon and 2) difficult to fit into a weight loss plan. Sometimes we find a good one and can't resist adding a tablespoon to our taco salad night. Avocados are the one thing I miss right now. There are no "light" avocados. To make up for the lack of creamy green goodness we do add sour cream. None of that "light" crap. I have yet to find a light sour cream that doesn't taste like paste. I do however use a very good Tillamook reduced-fat cheese. You still can't use much but an ounce of this can go a long way.

So here is the plate that started my interest in documenting my favorite dinners. Look at how beautiful! Look at how much food! While eating my amazing taco salad I don't feel deprived of quantity or taste. I can be a foodie and still lose the extra weight!

The dinner project - Strawberry milkshake

I know I call this "The Dinner Project" but what is dinner with out a little desert every now and then?

It is summer and we have a huge amount of strawberries showing up in our farmer's markets. We are eating about a 1/2 flat (that is 6 pints) a week. Well, I say "week" but what I really mean is "between Saturday (market day) and, at the latest, Tuesday." None of the berries last past that anyway. So how do we pack away that many berries? Aside from just stuffing our mouths with them we make shakes! This is one of those, "surprised I'm still losing weight" kind of thinks. I've found it is all about the right choices though. I will make some ice cream suggestions. We use Breyer's Fat Free Vanilla Ice Cream or Umpqua Nonfat Frozen Vanilla Yogurt. (I think Umpqua is a NW thing.) Reddi Whip has a very nice Fat Free whipped cream for a little extra on top. The most important thing is very ripe strawberries. If you can find Hood strawberries, an Oregon specialty, then you are in for a real treat. They are usually a June thing but, because of our late start to summer this year, we are getting them in abundance in July.

The basic recipe for the strawberry milkshake shown in the picture below is 1 cup of ice cream/frozen yogurt and 1 & 1/2 cup of Hood strawberries. The strawberries were so juicy that I didn't need to thin the shake down with a tablespoon of milk like I sometimes do. The trick to a thick and tasty milkshake is speed. Have everything ready before you combine and do short, fast bursts of blending. Don't take too long trying to get it perfectly smooth. You'll just end up with a soupy mess. (I knew managing that ice cream shop in college would pay off in the end!)

My amazing summer treat that I can still eat and be healthy!

The Dinner Project - Pizza

My first post in The Dinner Project is, by far, my favorite dinner. I mean, who doesn't love pizza?! It is a family favorite as well. My household excitedly repeats "Ooo! Pizza Night!!" when they see it on the menu at the beginning of the week. We do individual pizzas so we can make exactly what we each want.

Admittedly, this one can be a bit time consuming, especially if you aren't familiar with making basic bread dough. However, you can make this dough ahead and keep in the fridge for a few days or freeze it for a couple weeks. Just make sure to wrap it well so it doesn't dry out and leave plenty of time for it to get back to room temp before you make your pizza crust. Once you get the hang of it, making this simple bread dough is pretty easy. (If you have a good mixer with a bread hook it is a snap!)

This recipe for the basic bread dough that makes great pizza dough is a slightly modified version from a recipe in "The Naked Chef Takes Off" by Jamie Oliver. (I LOVE Jamie!!!) This recipe will make 3-4 individual pizzas or one big family-sized pizza. The three of us always have leftovers for lunch the next day. I don't have a pizza stone so we use our cast-iron skillets to bake our pizzas. You don't need either of those though. This will work just fine on a good baking sheet. We each like different thickness of crust so the different sizes of our skillets work well.

Basic Bread Dough:

1/2 lb whole wheat flour

1/2 lb unbleached white flour

1 cup warm water (not hot or cold as it will kill your yeast!)

3/4oz active dry yeast (1 and 1/2 envelopes of the 1/4oz dry yeast packets or, when taking from a jar, it is 3 3/8 tsp. If using fresh yeast then it is 1oz.)

1 tbsp sugar (I use raw sugar but you can use honey too.)

1 tbsp salt

Directions:

Weigh out your flour and set aside. (When baking, measuring flour by weight is much better. If you plan on making bread regularly I strongly suggest getting a kitchen scale. They are about $20 for a decent one at any

kitchen store. It has made me much more successful in baking!)

In a mixing bowl, combine water, yeast and sugar. The yeast should start to foam up a little after a minute or so. This is called "proofing." Basically, you are making sure your yeast is good. If it doesn't foam up then your yeast is too old/dead and your bread will not turn out. Add the salt to the mixture and stir until dissolved.

Now you are going to combine the yeast mixture with the flour. There are a few ways to do this. I use my mixer with a bread hook and slowly add the flour. Some people mix in the flour slowly to the yeast mixing bowl using their hand. (I've done that before too.) The fancy way is to make a little pile of flour on your counter, create a little bowl in the center, pour the yeast mixture into the little well made into the flour pile. You then slowly incorporate the two. I suck at doing this and always make a huge mess. Don't worry if you don't do this. Your bread will turn out fine being mixed in a bowl.

Keep mixing until you start to get a nice, elastic ball of dough. You may have to add a little more water if it looks a little dry and flaky or a bit more flour if it looks too sticky. Different kinds of flour and the temp/humidity will effect this so you just have to eyeball it each time. If you are using a mixer with a bread hook then just let it keep mixing. The bread hook will do all the kneading for you. If you are doing it by hand then plop that beautiful lump out onto a floured surface and KNEAD! (I won't go into proper kneading here. There are plenty of instructional videos on the web to help you along.) Giving your bread a good knead is very important for creating that fluffy texture. Not enough kneading means tough bread.

Set aside your bread dough, in a floured bowl, in a warm place with a damp cloth covering it to rise. For first rise should take an hour or two for the bread to double in size. Once it has done that, punch it down, knead it well again and place it back in the bowl for second rise. The second rise always takes less time. (Mine takes about 30 minutes usually but on really cold days it can take longer.) Punch it down, knead it a little and then you are ready to make your pizza crust.

I usually sprinkle some fine ground cornmeal on my pan but that is just optional. I'm not going to tell you how shape your dough because, to be honest, I kind of suck at it myself. I do my best and it always comes out good.

Put on your toppings and bake at 450 for about 25-30 minutes. If you make your crust really thick it will take longer. If you make your crust paper thin it will be done quickly so check often!

The sky is the limit with homemade pizza toppings. We try to keep it healthy so there are lots of veg and lean meat. We use skim mozzarella cheese and keep it to a couple ounces each. We plan adding some different cheeses as toppings this summer. The most popular toppings in my house include lean Canadian bacon, fresh basil, baby spinach, mushrooms, green peppers, roasted garlic, artichoke hearts (not marinated in oil) and olives. For sauce we each have our own favorites. I use a tablespoon of basil pesto. Monkey uses a mix of spaghetti sauce and feta dressing. Author uses straight up red pizza sauce. If we have it, Monkey and I will sometimes use a touch of truffle oil. (REAL truffle oil, not that chemical shit.) We all keep it very light since the best sauces are never low in fat. We usually sprinkle a little fancy salt and maybe some dried parsley or oregano to finish it off.

Dinner is Ready!

(This is my pizza. I forgot to take a picture before I started eating! It has pesto sauce, mozzarella cheese, fresh basil, Canadian bacon, spinach and a couple mushrooms. It is finished with some Sel Gris (French gray salt) and dried oregano.)

The Dinner Project

I am a foodie. I love to eat. I love good food, fancy and simple. I love to cook even though my skills are pretty down-home.

However, I also have a problem with food. Years of out of control Binge Eating Disorder added with a typical American diet/lifestyle made me morbidly obese. I was lucky enough to hit my mid-thirties with no sign of obesity related diseases but I knew it was only a matter of time before my luck would run out. Thankfully, I've managed to get what I needed to deal with my eating disorder and get my weight down before I lose my health. Last January I started both a cognitive behavioral therapy program and Weight Watchers Online. To date I have lost 51lb.

The other night I was sitting down for dinner, looking at this amazing taco salad that I had fixed my family, and thought "Why didn't I realize I could be healthy and still eat this good!" I grew up going on diet after bland diet, wishing I could just eat something that had some kind of taste. In the end, I always broke my diet because I missed the joy in eating good food. I still see images in the media of people on diets eating plain celery sticks and looking longingly at some one else's plate. Or, even worse, dieters chowing down daily on prepared meals filled with salt and chemicals. (Not to say I don't pop in a frozen lunch every once in awhile but it is pretty rare.) We are told that dieting is either suffering or replacing real food with some synthetic food alternative.

The truth is eating healthy and eating well really go hand in hand. Even when you are living this truth it can be easy to forget. I eat better now than I ever have in my life! I still get shocked at the dinner table sometimes when I realize how much I've already lost while still eating great. To remind myself and share it with the interwebs, I have decided to start The Dinner Project on my blog. I will post a picture and the recipe for my favorite meal of the week. (I'd love to do it almost daily but that would be a lot of work!) Mostly I am doing this to remind myself but I hope some one out there stumbles upon one of my dinner posts, gives the recipe a try and enjoys a healthy, tasty meal.

Let's eat!

On a lighter note...

As sad and painful as the subject of my last post was my life goes on. I worked hard for this life so I'm going to enjoy the little happy things when I have them.

So, on a lighter note...

I'm lighter again! I've reached my latest weight loss goal. I have now lost 10% of my starting body weight. Studies have shown that, if you are overweight or obese losing 5%-10% of your body weight results in markedly improved health. Even if I stopped here I will have added years to my life. Of course, I'm not stopping here. I'm on a roll! I'll never be what is considered "optimal" weight for my height/age, I've done too much damage to myself to get that low again, but I can get much closer than I am now.

It is crazy how much my life has changed over the last six months. The proper medication treatment for my depression and anxiety have given me a completely different quality of life than I ever thought possible. My cognitive behavioral therapy program for my disordered eating has worked better than I could imagine. The WW program has been simple to adjust to and given better results that I expected. My family is doing well. My pets are healthy. We have some good potential donors and, if those don't work out, I can still go back to my old donor boy. I keep looking around in awe at how freaking good my life is. Some of it is chance, dumb luck, but some of it I've worked damn hard on to change. I'm proud of myself. ::does a happy little bear dance::

::whispering:: shhhh...i don't want to say this too loud or think about this too much but i also know that, sometimes, losing 10% of your body weight if obese results in increased fertility. there are a lot of studies showing that unexplained infertility in obese women mysteriously resolve when they lose about 10% of the original weight. could i be that lucky? could this actually make the difference that we can't seem to find any other way? this isn't why i chose to lose weight but it would be the best unexpected side effect. ::crossing fingers::

Stranger in the mirror

Sometimes changes happen so fast you can't help but notice them. Sometimes changes happen so slow you barely notice...until suddenly you notice it all at once. I think the slow changes are somehow more shocking.

I was wearing a pair of last year's shorts for the first time since losing weight. I had smaller jeans in my wardrobe that I've started wearing as they fit again so I haven't noticed really baggy jeans. My shorts are replaced each summer so I only have the size I wore last spring. (I'm very hard on my shorts and they aren't exactly made to last.) The size I have is a couple sizes too big now. The two pairs I have left from last summer just happened to be slightly smaller in the waist than most of my old shorts and so barely stay on without a belt and hang off my hips.

I was rushing passed a mirror in a grocery store bathroom when I saw myself out of the corner of my eye. I did a double-take. The fabric at my butt was sagging so much I checked my button and fly to see if it had come undone. I knew they were loose. I knew that shorts shopping this year would involve smaller sizes but I didn't really know it. I'm not sure how else to describe it. Seeing my ass, or more precisely not seeing my ass, in that mirror really brought it home to me. My body is changing. I'm smaller now than I've been in years and I've barely started. It makes me wonder what it will be like when, in October, I pull out my winter clothes that I'm packing away now. Will I be just as shocked as I slip into a sweater and find it sagging off me?

Of course, maybe I'll be lucky and next October I'll be searching for the biggest items I have to accommodated a growing baby belly. One way or another, my winter clothes will be fitting differently. Though I am enjoying being a smaller size, I really hope that winter finds me shopping for maternity pants rather than smaller jeans.

25lb smaller

I have lost 25lb in the last 10 weeks. This amazes me. I'm in awe that this is actually working.

::Background note: I'm obese, with no related diseases, and have almost always been fat to some degree. I have binge eating disorder. Back in 2005 I recognized and accepted that I had a severe eating disorder. I started to address it. Back in January of this year I found a cognitive behavioral therapy program that is, obviously, working really well for me. I also joined WW to help with the portion control and general lifestyle changes.::

I'm still losing a little fast, even though I'm constantly evaluating my food and exercise to make sure I'm not doing some sort of eating disorder flip side behavior. Monkey (who is a medical professional) is also keeping an eye on me. He is comfortable as long as I'm eating a balanced diet (I am) and not losing muscle (I'm not.)

As for ttc, my doctor and my women's health NP both agree that I can continue trying while losing weight as long as I'm being very careful about my nutrition. Also, as soon as I get a positive pregnancy test I'm suppose to stop following WW but I can keep up with the CB therapy because that isn't about food. It is about emotional relationships with food. (WW has a way to put it on hold for pregnancy and return when you are 6+ weeks post-partum. They adjust your plan to allow for extra calories for nursing parents.)

It has been a long time since I've lost weight. I don't think I've ever done it in such a healthy way. I feel like it may actually be possible to live without being constantly overwhelmed by my eating disorder. That is my ultimate goal. I will likely never be in my ideal BMI and I certainly will never be considered thin but I feel like I'm getting healthier every day. I feel like I may actually get out of the "obese" range someday. It is a very hopeful feeling.

Hey? Where'd you go?

Okay, so a small plea made me stick around the dreaded LJ for the rest of 2010. What can I say, I'm a sucker for a plea from a pregnant boy who was only going to post about his baby's birth locked to friends on LJ. I had to follow up with that. But now the dear boy's little one is passed the squishy 4th trimester part, where they look a little like bubble gum and act a bit like luggage that can eat, poop and cry. That is where I step off. So I'm back to the blog I intended to start so long (okay only about 8 months) ago.

Getting up to speed:

1)Donor boy proves too busy and non-communicative to accommodate a four day fertile window. Last cycle was last straw.

2)Taking a break from current donor boy to look for new sperm guy.

3)Started dealing seriously with food issues. Doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for disordered eating and joined WW to deal with weight. (Lost 20lb so far.)

4)My depression is finally well-controlled, revealing a problematic anxiety disorder. I'm like a mental illness parfait! Dealing with that now...slowly.

Still not pregnant. Still angry about that. Still fat but getting less so. Still a housequeer and boy wonder for my household. Still here.