Hoping for a bfn?

As the date of my expected period approached I had two wished. One, that it be late so I didn't need to deal with it while camping (it was) and two, that it would definitely arrive (it did). I actually was hoping to not get pregnant.

For the first time in six long years I've truly had enough. I still find myself sad when I hear that yet another one of my old group of friends has had a baby. I still mourn the loss of the experience of pregnancy and parenthood but even with all that I find myself more and more excited to start the life after infertility. A life where I can make plans without wondering if I'll have to cancel them because I'm pregnant or have an infant. A life where I can redirect all that energy back into my (ahem) adult interests. A life where I can put the sex and BDSM toys back on the freakin' walls! The different life that is waiting for me when we stop trying. I am 99.9% sure that I will never get pregnant and I'm finally okay with that. I'm ready to transfer all the energy it takes to ttc (tracking, sperm donor wrangling, inseming, testing) and move it on to other parts of my life.

So what now? Have I given up? Hell if I know. I only got back from my camping trip yesterday and CD 1 is today so I haven't really had time to talk with Monkey about my feelings. I suspect that, no, I am not giving up quite yet. Monkey isn't in the same place as me with this. I'm willing to keep going for awhile for him. At this point I'd be so shocked if we hit that 0.1% chance of pregnancy that it would likely take me a couple months to mourn the loss of the life I imagined without a kid! Ah, what a mind-fuck that would be!

Late...maybe.

I'm late...maybe. Or maybe I'm not. I have no fucking clue when I ovulated. I know I did because the progesterone test came back higher than I've ever gotten. I've tested and gotten 2 negative pregnancy tests. I have no clue what is going on. This is such a mindfuck. I just want to know, one way or the other. I hate not knowing when I thought I'd have known at least 3 days ago. I'm assuming that I'm not. That my period is just late. It happens. But I can't assume completely. I can't assume enough to have my usual bfn martini. Because I could be just too early. It happens. So which is it?

I've emailed my Gyn NP to ask her how late until I worry that something is wrong. If I hadn't been trying for 5 1/2 fucking years I think I'd have a little more patience. After this long, I think I've shown enough patience for a lifetime.

Clomid Crazy

Okay, so I exaggerate a bit. It actually hasn't been that bad. Well, I say it hasn't been that bad. My household may have a different opinion. I've asked and they say, very quickly, that it hasn't been as bad as previous Clomid cycles. I'm not sure if I believe them but, either way, I feel like I have a handle on the crazy hormone fluxes this time around.

I got my new FSH results. Four years ago, when I first got my FSH tested it was a 5. That is an excellent number for anyone at any age. Now, at 37 years old, my FSH is a 9. That is...fair. It is actually a pretty good number for some one my age. Still, my ovaries are showing my age a bit. I was ready for this result. I knew the statistics. I knew that my age, and the fact that I haven't gotten pregnant after all this time, is counting against me. Monkey, ever the optimist, had a bit of a shock. He's a medical professional so he really likes to grab on to hard results of scans and test. This is the first time we've gotten a test that clearly shows our window is closing. I've tried to tell him this. I've showed him the statistics on fertility over 35 years old but I think he always thought of me as outside of those numbers. When faced with a change from 5 to 9 in FSH over the last 4 years he was taken aback. There in the lab result was a hard fact about me, about our only available egg producer and womb. For the first time in the last 5 1/2 years of ttc it really hit him that I might not get pregnant. Suddenly my sense of urgency seemed more valid to him. Suddenly, he had the same sense of urgency. It also has added a touch of sadness to him that wasn't there before.

On one hand, I like that he is finally on the same page as me. When I say I don't want to wait too long to do the full clinic Clomid cycles he heartily agrees. He has even mentioned months a little before what I was thinking! On the other hand, it hurts to see his optimism fading. Yes, it is realistic and appropriate but I hate to see the sadness in his eyes when he thinks about never having a kid.

Well, statistics and realism aside, I'm not out yet. My FSH shows good ovarian reserve and my estrodiol was good too. My post-ovulation progesterone test is on Sunday so we will see if that is responding to the med as well. My polyps are gone and unlikely to come back rapidly. My donor was able to offer 3 donations this cycle and, even with the weirdness of Clomid, I think I got the timing right. And if it didn't happen this cycle, well we still have a few more over the summer. After that we still have our full on infertility clinic rounds. Who knows, we could get lucky finally. We both hold on to that.

On to the next

My period came a day after the bfn. Kinda late but there can be several reasonable explanations for that. I suspect it had something to do with the horrible antibiotics I've been on for the entire 2ww. I won't go into detail but they really did a number on my digestion. So, here I am at cycle day 2 with my packet of Clomid and my list of instructions for blood tests.

This feels familiar.

Even so, I'm not as down in the dumps as I thought I might be. I didn't cry when I got the bfn or my period. I was disappointed and somewhat annoyed but, in general, not crushed. I'm ready for the next one. I'm ready, more ready than I've ever been, for the Clomid Crazies. I'm ready for the series of blood draws, the OPKs, the frustratingly different fertility signs I get on Clomid and even for the possibility of bursting into tears if some one gets my coffee order wrong. I'm feeling strangely, wonderfully zen about it all. It may not stay but I'm going to enjoy the feeling while it is here.

Waiting for the end

I tested this morning and got to see yet another blank white window on the pee-stick. Another BFN. ::sigh:: I was secretly harboring some high hopes this time but I guess I was just fooling myself again.

I still haven't started bleeding so I'm waiting for that final end. I'm in limbo between a negative test and menstruation. I can't focus on the next try because everything is dependent on what day is cycle day 1. Also, even the most pessimistic ttc-er has that tiny bit of hope that maybe, just maybe, the test was wrong. Maybe the blood won't show and the next test will be positive. I can't help but wish that just a little but mostly I just want it to end so I can move forward.

The longest day of the 2ww

Today is the worst day of any 2 week wait. Today is the last day. My period is due tomorrow. I will be testing tomorrow. Today will be a long day.

I've become so much better about dealing with the ups and downs of trying to get pregnant and infertility but this last day is always hard, no matter how well I'm doing. Will I bleed? Are those menstrual cramps or pregnancy stretching cramps? Are my boobs more sore? If they are, is that a sign that I will or won't get my period. Every trip to the bathroom includes staring at the toilet paper after using it. Is that a spot of red I see or just a trick of the light? The last day of the 2ww takes so much energy.

If this cycle is a bust then I start my Clomid Challenge Test. Joy.

Is it really different?

I've been afraid to post. I'm afraid to talk about what is happening in ttc because things have been going so smoothly that it seems all too simple right now. I guess, after 5 1/2 years of fertility angst, I feel I might jinx any smooth sailing we have. If I manage to get pregnant I'm guessing I will feel this even more. But I'm trying to embrace the positive so here is what is up in our queer ttc-land.

I healed up from my polyp removal procedure very well. I had my post-op check up four weeks after the surgery and the doc cleared me to start trying again. With in a week I was hunting for a new known donor. Last week we met with a finalist on our potential donors and by the end of the meeting we were setting up the first insemination date..which happened to be less than a week later. That was this past Monday. Wednesday was the second insem. Timing was perfect and I ovulated Thursday.

Now for a bit about Mr Donor. He prefers to be pretty quiet about all this but I can say that we are only his second donor experience. The first couple he worked with was last month and they got pregnant on the first try after a long time trying with frozen. He is kind of Conservative which is a little strange but he seems to be a bit Libertarain leaning so the whole "live and let live" thing makes him okay with us being queer, poly, tattooed and pierced weirdos. His only rule is he wants to know the relationship is solid and stable. Well, Monkey and I have been together for 12+ years so we passed that requirement. :) He met Author and, after some questions about how we structure our family, he said he thought it was unique. That was it.

Every donor brings a unique and often hilarious situations. Mr Donor prefers to keep exchanges during working hours and in public places. This is so it doesn't take time away from his family. As a result, we are doing the sperm pass-off at a local mall food court. Yes, really. As long as there is less than an hour between creation and insemination, and is in a dark jar with a lid and kept warm, it is still viable. Author has decided that if I get pregnant the belly name will be "mall rat".

So I'm back in it! Next cycle I'll be doing a Clomid challenge test with lots of blood work and insems with Mr. Donor. I'm on the last leg of my ttc journey. I either get pregnant or I accept a new future without children. Now I just have to wait to find out which one it is.

Halfway there but where am I going?

I hate the 2ww but I save a special place in my burning loathing for the second half. The last week of the 2ww is when things get real. You could be really pregnant at that time but it is too early to know for sure. You could also be really not pregnant and any hope is just a delusion. Through it all is the slow march to d-day, the day when your period is due...or the day you will be officially "late". All there is to do is plod along through it, alternately hopeful you are pregnant and convinced it didn't work.

I think it is the uncertainty in the face of potential reality that gets me. Something is happening, or not happening, right at that moment but I can't find out what! I am the worst at obsessively looking for signs of pregnancy even though I know that is silly. The one time I did get pregnant I was convinced I wasn't and, therefore, didn't find out that I had been until the miscarriage started. I don't trust early pregnancy tests to I avoid them for as long as possible. I'm stuck in this road with out knowing my destination. Will I be in bfn town and have to start my journey over again? Or, this time, will I find myself in the magical land of pregnancy and starting on a completely different road? Only time will tell, only waiting will resolve the question.

Fucking Sucks.

In line for the roller coaster

Tonight is the first insemination of my new start after the, almost, 9 month ttc break. (No, really, this time things are ready...I hope.) Donor boy should be coming over this evening after dinner for our first, and only, insemination of this cycle. Perfect timing too because I'm showing fertility signs out the...well, not the ass but you know what I mean.

I feel like I'm in line for a roller coaster I've been on a million times before. I know what to expect because I've been on these rails before. I'm filled with a mix of apprehension and excitement. There will be scary parts and exhilarating parts, sometimes both together. I'm hoping it will end with the scary/exhilarating rather than disappointment that it is over. Either way, I'm in line and about to get on. Here we go.