Yesterday, Monkey and I talked...or I talked and he mostly listened. I told him it felt pointless to continue with donor inseminations. We've been doing this, off and on, for six years. We figured we have done at least 36+ cycles. We've tried different methods, different donors, acupuncture, herbs, Clo.mid, IUIs at home and in clinic. I've been tested up, down and sideways with nothing really wrong. If the polyps were the big problem I should have conceived by now and the polyps were definitely not there for the first couple years of ttc. I felt there was no realistic chance, after all this time, that I would get pregnant just by shoving sperm in me each month. Something is wrong in some subtle way that we can't detect. I wanted to quit the inseminations and reserve my energy for the two medically-directed cycles. Actually, I'm not sure I want to do even those but I couldn't take that small chance that forcing the system might actually work.

It was so hard to watch Monkey caught in a tug of war between his natural optimism and his logical nurse's brain. He knew I was right about our chances. He knew it was an energy drain with very little possibility of any success. He also really wants to believe that I could still get pregnant. In the end, logic and statistics won out but it hurt me to see his optimism fade. 

So, we have stopped trying until January when we will make one of our last two attempts at having a kid. This is it. We are coming to the end of our ttc-turned-infertility journey. After everything we have been through, no matter how it ends, I feel relieved.

Is it really different?

I've been afraid to post. I'm afraid to talk about what is happening in ttc because things have been going so smoothly that it seems all too simple right now. I guess, after 5 1/2 years of fertility angst, I feel I might jinx any smooth sailing we have. If I manage to get pregnant I'm guessing I will feel this even more. But I'm trying to embrace the positive so here is what is up in our queer ttc-land.

I healed up from my polyp removal procedure very well. I had my post-op check up four weeks after the surgery and the doc cleared me to start trying again. With in a week I was hunting for a new known donor. Last week we met with a finalist on our potential donors and by the end of the meeting we were setting up the first insemination date..which happened to be less than a week later. That was this past Monday. Wednesday was the second insem. Timing was perfect and I ovulated Thursday.

Now for a bit about Mr Donor. He prefers to be pretty quiet about all this but I can say that we are only his second donor experience. The first couple he worked with was last month and they got pregnant on the first try after a long time trying with frozen. He is kind of Conservative which is a little strange but he seems to be a bit Libertarain leaning so the whole "live and let live" thing makes him okay with us being queer, poly, tattooed and pierced weirdos. His only rule is he wants to know the relationship is solid and stable. Well, Monkey and I have been together for 12+ years so we passed that requirement. :) He met Author and, after some questions about how we structure our family, he said he thought it was unique. That was it.

Every donor brings a unique and often hilarious situations. Mr Donor prefers to keep exchanges during working hours and in public places. This is so it doesn't take time away from his family. As a result, we are doing the sperm pass-off at a local mall food court. Yes, really. As long as there is less than an hour between creation and insemination, and is in a dark jar with a lid and kept warm, it is still viable. Author has decided that if I get pregnant the belly name will be "mall rat".

So I'm back in it! Next cycle I'll be doing a Clomid challenge test with lots of blood work and insems with Mr. Donor. I'm on the last leg of my ttc journey. I either get pregnant or I accept a new future without children. Now I just have to wait to find out which one it is.

Polyps-be-gone

I am in love with my nurse anesthetist. My whole surgical team was fab but he really made my experience a million times more comforting. He came in to ask me the same questions as everyone else for the millionth time. (Since I know exactly why they do that so I don't get annoyed like some patients do.) When I told him I'd rather do deep sedation than general anesthesia he asked me if there was a particular reason. When I told him about my horrible experience with general when I was 12 years old he seemed horrified. He immediately left the computer terminal he was working on and came to kneel by my bed. He told me that he could tell from my description what drug was used and they administered it way too soon. He told me he doesn't use that drug at all. He carefully described what he does now, how it will feel and that he will be able to tell if I'm in any discomfort. I felt completely reassured. I trusted him and the rest of the team to take very good care of me.

I don't remember the surgery at all, though there was a chance I might remember something. I dreamed about the BBC Sherlock series reboot while I was sedated. I don't remember what exactly I dreamed but I remember being quite entertained. I woke up kind of fuzzy headed and took awhile to really get back to reality. I was sore and a little crampy but not a lot. My cramps got worse later on in the day but I had plenty of pain med options and got it under control. All in all it was a very positive experience.

It turns out there were actually 3 polyps in there. The one we could see on the ultrasound was just the easiest to see. The second polyp was almost as big as the one we knew of but shaped and positioned in a way that would make it difficult to see any other way but with hysteroscopy. The third one was a tiny one just starting to form. He didn't even need to snip that one as it disintegrated when he started to try to remove it. After he was sure they were all removed he did a D&C to clear out the lining. He said that this should really make a difference in the changes in bleeding I've been noticing. He also said he really hopes "things work out" for me. (We couldn't actually say that the main reason for this was fertility since it wouldn't have been covered by my insurance but everyone knew that was my main reason.)

Knowing that there were 3 polyps crowding in my uterus, two of which were big enough to cause breaks in my lining, I feel pretty confident that this could be the cause of my infertility the last few years. That doesn't leave a lot of room for anything to implant comfortably. Dr. M said I could start trying again after I have one normal period.

I'm not sure what comes next. I'm not sure if we will try a medicated cycle first. All I know is that I'm more hopeful now than I've been in a very long time.

Fears and hopes

My surgery to remove the polyp in my uterus is Monday. I've had my pre-op exam and instructions have been given. It didn't seem very real until my pre-op yesterday. Now it seems to hang in front of me full of hope and fear.

Fear because I'm not accustom to medical procedures, even minor ones like this one. I'm a pretty hail and hardy person. The last time I had any kind of surgery it was to remove my tonsillitis when I was 12. Monkey has been doing his best put me at ease. He was a very sickly child and his life has been filled with surgeries and procedures of varying seriousness. (The fact that he is so healthy now is a testament to how hard people worked to get him that way when he was a child.) Compared to the things he has been through this is nothing but I'm still a little nervous. The pre-op helped to calm me. I like to know everything, all the little details, and the surgeon was happy to talk me through it all. Between Dr. M, Monkey, and Author the fear has been dimmed down to a dull anxiety which seems perfectly manageable all things considered.

I think the thing I fear the most, really, is the hope this brings. After five years of trying, and failing, to get pregnant and never knowing why that might be I finally have a possible explanation. With that explanation comes a rather easy possible fix of the problem. This may be what has been getting in the way of a pregnancy. After this I'll be heading back into ttc-land with a fresh start. A truly fresh start with a cleaned out lining, a lower weight than a few years ago and a much better handle on my mental health. I'm afraid to hope too much. This may not be the reason I'm not getting pregnant. I may start ttc after this procedure and spend the next year on the same disappointing roller coaster that I've ridden for the last five years.

But, maybe...just maybe I will finally get that elusive prize. I have to hope, no matter how much I fear that hope. What else can I do? I'm just not quite ready to give up on this dream just yet.