The last chapter

Bee contacted us last week to officially end our donor relationship. He's sorry. He wishes things hadn't worked out this way. Blah, Blah, Blah. Whatever. Really, I'm not upset with him. A little annoyed but I can't work up much anger at him. I've been through this before and I don't get terribly attached to donors anymore. After last month I expected this.

So, here is where we are: I'm done with donors. I can't muster up the energy or hope it takes to slog through and find a match. We feel we've done all we can ourselves. We have two Clomid/Trigger/IUI cycles waiting for us with our NP. We think that Feb/March 2012 will be a good time to do those. As I've said before, these are our "no regrets" cycles. The last thing we need to check off our list to feel like we did the best we could manage. We will use frozen sperm and jump through all the fertility clinic hoops for those last two cycles but if those don't work, well, not every infertility story ends with a baby. Actually, a majority of them don't.

After that we will go on with our lives. Our hearts will break, and mend. We will grieve our loss of the child that never was and then move on to celebrate the life we already have. Until then, I try take care of myself and to start learning to let go.

The beginning of the end of another beginning.

October marks five years of my life focused on trying to get pregnant. I've had a few long breaks in those years. One break was almost a whole year its self. However the thoughts, emotions and planning of ttc was never very far off even on the breaks.

October also brings my 37th birthday. About a year and a half ago I decided that 37 was a good age to seriously reconsider continuing the babyquest.

Monday I got an email from our donor, Bee, saying that his life has been taking some crazy stressful turns. As a result, though he would really like to continue helping us, he can only do it if we are able to do a "more targeted approach". We have yet to hear from him exactly what he means by that. We assume it means doing one insemination a cycle. Though I do not blame him for the sudden turn in his life (a big part of it is a family illness) I'm still very disappointed. I really thought things were set for a good long try with this donor.

So all of these things hit me at once. The five year anniversary of our first ttc cycle, my 37th birthday in a few weeks and my donor limiting access unexpectedly. Usually when setbacks hit me on this ttc journey I bounce back, after a "life is fucking unfair why can't I have a baby" tantrum, with an adjusted course on the quest. This time was a little different. This time I didn't have the tantrum, though I did end up crying a little. This time I started to wonder "Is it time to start thinking about giving up"? I've never thought this particular thing before. I've thought about what it would mean to give up. I've even wondered how I would know when it was the right time to give up. However, this is the first time I've actually thought "is it time"? I feel like this is a sign that the time for giving up is getting closer.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up yet. Monkey and I have decided that, for now, we will keep trying with Bee until January. At that time we will do our last two Clo.mid/trigger/IUI cycles available to us. After that, well, I'm starting to explore the other possible ending of my ttc journey. The one that doesn't end with the birth of a baby. I've mentioned before that adoption would be, at best, complicated if not impossible due to my open poly household. I'm not sure I want to go through that. As a result, most of what I'm considering is what my life would be like if I don't become a parent.

How would I feel about that in the long term? I know in the short term I would be heartbroken and grieving but I would work through that. When I hit menopause would I regret giving up before my cycles did? Would I always have that knife to the heart feeling when I see babies? Would I regret not jumping through all the hoops to attempt adoption? I'm big on researching. I went hunting for books and blogs on living childfree after infertility. There are very few that exist. Even fewer are available at my, usually well stocked, county library. I know there are lots of people who go through infertility and don't end up with a baby at the end. Where are all their stories? It feels rather lonely in this place in between giving up and going on.

The perfect cycle

The perfect cycle means nothing in trying to get pregnant. When donor visits are timed perfectly with fertile windows, you are feeling relaxed and healthy it feels like it should guarantee success. That isn't how this works. But still, when you have the perfect cycle, hope raises just a little. It all seems more possible that it will end with a positive pregnancy test, a worry-free pregnancy and a healthy birth. If only.

I've had more perfect cycles than I can remember. Obviously, it didn't mean anything about success. The one time I managed to get pregnant over the last 4 1/2 years of trying it was a comedy of errors. My cycle started while I was at a conference, at which I caught the worst stomach flu I've ever had in my life and my donor was out of town for my prime fertile days. Yet, this imperfect cycle resulted in, at least, a conception and a brief implantation.

You can't count on perfect cycles. I know that from painful experience. Yet I can't help but feel a bit more hopeful when everything falls into place so smoothly. I usually fight against this extra hope but this time I think I will embrace it. Who knows, maybe that will help too!

Starting agian

It has begun. Today is our first insemination with our new donor, Bee. As luck would have it I'm also having my first day of feritle mucus. I started taking Evening Primrose Oil last month because I was concerned that my age was starting to effect my CM. Now I'm having epic spin. Seems the EPO is doing the trick! 

I'm a little nervous about tonight. Not worried, I know he'll show up and I'll get to insem. It is more the nerves from that first awkward time when you hand a jar to a guest in your home and send him to the bathroom to jack off into it. Queer ttc is often a surreal experience and this is one of those times.

I'm feeling optimistic. I haven't felt that way in a couple years. I am hopeful, not about individual cycles but the process and this donor. It feels odd but good. Maybe, after all this heartache, this is the time it will work.

It will all be ok...

Last week I was stressing. I was worried. We were still feeling the financial effects of a surprise $800 car repair bill. We had some serious issues to deal with concerning our property tax and our year long ordeal to set up an escrow account. I was even still concerned that Bee, the new donor, would somehow change his mind and back out.

As I was dropping off a box of extra kitchen stuff to donate I spied a bit of graffiti through some trees at the edge of the parking lot. "Does it really say that?!" I wondered and then I had to go see. I poked through a hole in the tree line and peeked through a hole in some chain link fence. Yes, it really does say that. It is like a message from the universe just for me. You can't see it unless you park in that one spot and look straight through the break in the trees. I felt like it was reminding me that nothing was really that bad. That, one way or another, everything always works out. That the world isn't conspiring against me. That I can change my world simply by changing my perspective and my assumptions.

This was just what I needed to see on that day. I spent a few minutes taking pictures of it, grateful that I had my new phone with the much better camera. I messed with some filters and tilt-shift to really make it stand out, like it did in my mind when I saw it. I tweeted it, posted it on my instagram and made it my lock screen on my phone so I could see it often. Now I'm sharing it here.

Yesterday, Monkey was notified that an error had occurred with his pay. He was not getting paid the correct rate because payroll never got the message that Monkey had his extra certification before starting. As a result he was owed 3 months of back-pay for the difference and would be getting the correct rate from now on. O.o!! We hadn't noticed! The paychecks were higher than his old job so we really didn't think it was too low. Now we have a windfall of cash that will fill the hole left by the car repairs and pay some of the property tax so that we can keep working on getting that damn escrow account set up.

It will all be ok. Yes, it will. :)

The Bee is cleared for flight.

The test results are back! That was really fast. It took less than 24 hours from blood draw to results. I'm impressed. Bee is clean, as we figured he would be since his risk factors are way low. So, now, it appears I have a donor. He will be coming over for tea and snacks on Sunday to sign the contract, talk details and setup our first inseminations.

My period is due in three days or so. This has lined up so perfectly I'm a little freaked out by it. I'm a little weirded out by feeling optimistic. After all this time, all these attempts, I still find myself feeling hopeful again with a new donor. It is true that I have more to be optimistic about this time. As I mentioned, I'm healthier in so many ways this time. That can't hurt.

So here I am, 4 1/2 years since that first ttc cycle. I have a new donor...again. Time to jump back in.

Donor karma

I feel like I've done something very good and am getting rewarded by our, soon to be, new donor. Maybe I've just burned off all my bad karma by having to weed through some really asshats to find this guy.

I think I'm going to call him Bee because he is both a "busy bee" and a "worker bee" in the project. Plus there is the whole "Birds & the Bees" thing that amuses me. (Though I guess with me it would be the Bears and the Bees!) So Bee is, hopefully, our new donor. Pending testing, which is in the works starting today. He should be getting the blood draws today and then it is just a matter of waiting for the results. I don't think there will be any problems but you have to check. Due diligence and all that.

Bee reminds me of my first donor. Eager, invested, accommodating and engaged. This makes me very happy. A little part of me is still waiting for it to all fall apart. I won't entirely believe this is worked out until he shows up for the first insemination. I do think that the decreased stress I felt about our first donor contributed to the one pregnancy that I managed to have, however briefly. Monkey is over the moon about Bee and is suddenly very optimistic again that I will be pregnant soon. I'm definitely more optimistic about the donor but that hasn't carried over to it actually working. We'll see though. I'm healthier than I've ever been, both mentally and physically. That certainly won't hurt our chances. I'm older and Bee is older than any other donor we've had but neither of us are completely out of the realm of likelihood to produce a child.

If the tests go as planned, as I expect they will, we will be starting next cycle. Since my cycle is due to start in a week that is right around the corner!