Clomid Crazy

Okay, so I exaggerate a bit. It actually hasn't been that bad. Well, I say it hasn't been that bad. My household may have a different opinion. I've asked and they say, very quickly, that it hasn't been as bad as previous Clomid cycles. I'm not sure if I believe them but, either way, I feel like I have a handle on the crazy hormone fluxes this time around.

I got my new FSH results. Four years ago, when I first got my FSH tested it was a 5. That is an excellent number for anyone at any age. Now, at 37 years old, my FSH is a 9. That is...fair. It is actually a pretty good number for some one my age. Still, my ovaries are showing my age a bit. I was ready for this result. I knew the statistics. I knew that my age, and the fact that I haven't gotten pregnant after all this time, is counting against me. Monkey, ever the optimist, had a bit of a shock. He's a medical professional so he really likes to grab on to hard results of scans and test. This is the first time we've gotten a test that clearly shows our window is closing. I've tried to tell him this. I've showed him the statistics on fertility over 35 years old but I think he always thought of me as outside of those numbers. When faced with a change from 5 to 9 in FSH over the last 4 years he was taken aback. There in the lab result was a hard fact about me, about our only available egg producer and womb. For the first time in the last 5 1/2 years of ttc it really hit him that I might not get pregnant. Suddenly my sense of urgency seemed more valid to him. Suddenly, he had the same sense of urgency. It also has added a touch of sadness to him that wasn't there before.

On one hand, I like that he is finally on the same page as me. When I say I don't want to wait too long to do the full clinic Clomid cycles he heartily agrees. He has even mentioned months a little before what I was thinking! On the other hand, it hurts to see his optimism fading. Yes, it is realistic and appropriate but I hate to see the sadness in his eyes when he thinks about never having a kid.

Well, statistics and realism aside, I'm not out yet. My FSH shows good ovarian reserve and my estrodiol was good too. My post-ovulation progesterone test is on Sunday so we will see if that is responding to the med as well. My polyps are gone and unlikely to come back rapidly. My donor was able to offer 3 donations this cycle and, even with the weirdness of Clomid, I think I got the timing right. And if it didn't happen this cycle, well we still have a few more over the summer. After that we still have our full on infertility clinic rounds. Who knows, we could get lucky finally. We both hold on to that.

Too old for rail?

One of the things that really changed when I was able to manage my depression was my interest in going to concerts. Before the experience of being in a crowd was often too much for me. I would only push myself to attend if it was some one I really wanted to see. I've also expanded my musical tastes and, as a result, am going to shows where I'm unfamiliar with the crowd.

I went to a Deadmau5 show last week. My first real dance music show. Previously, my concert-going experience was at industrial, goth and a few punk shows. I figured there was no way a electronic dance music crowd could be as intense as, say, Nine Inch Nails. When I found myself front and center on rail* I didn't think I'd have much of a problem holding the position. I didn't for the 2 opening acts and I had a blast. Then, right before Deadmau5 started shit started really squished. Still, I wasn't concerned. I'm a heavy person with a very low center of gravity. I'm hard to move if I don't want to move. Deadmau5 started and suddenly I'm besieged by douche bags. There are rules that were followed at the concerts I had been at before. Certain things were not done and if you couldn't push your way to rail after three tries somewhere you moved on. You don't slap people, hit them repeatedly on the head with your camera, or shove them so hard that five people in a row are almost toppled over. Apparently this is pretty normal for the show I was at. Author and I gave up rail within the first ten minutes of the headlining show. I was too pumped full of adrenaline at the time to realize that the experience had resulted in a painful wrenching of my hip. I ended up limping out of the show at the end and ending up in an urgent chiropractic appointment two days later as the injury got worse.

I've never had that happen. I've never given up rail because I felt unsafe. The security at the show was good but they definitely had their hands full so I don't see this as a failure there. Both of the worse behaved were, one way or another, talked to by security. It was too late for me though. The push that sent Author and I stumbling and, I think, caused my injury, was what caused security to come over.

All in all, the show was fabulous. The openers, Zedd and Excision, were awesome. The Deadmau5 show had an amazing light show that made being in the back a lot of fun. It was worth the trip to Seattle. Rail however was not worth the injury and pain. I'll be thinking carefully about going for rail at other EDM shows from now on.

*"Rail" is the front barrier at a general audience, no seats, show. This usually gives about a 3 foot space in front of the stage for security, photographers and, sometimes, replacement gear. This also allows for space to pull out crowd-surfers.