Yesterday, Monkey and I talked...or I talked and he mostly listened. I told him it felt pointless to continue with donor inseminations. We've been doing this, off and on, for six years. We figured we have done at least 36+ cycles. We've tried different methods, different donors, acupuncture, herbs, Clo.mid, IUIs at home and in clinic. I've been tested up, down and sideways with nothing really wrong. If the polyps were the big problem I should have conceived by now and the polyps were definitely not there for the first couple years of ttc. I felt there was no realistic chance, after all this time, that I would get pregnant just by shoving sperm in me each month. Something is wrong in some subtle way that we can't detect. I wanted to quit the inseminations and reserve my energy for the two medically-directed cycles. Actually, I'm not sure I want to do even those but I couldn't take that small chance that forcing the system might actually work.

It was so hard to watch Monkey caught in a tug of war between his natural optimism and his logical nurse's brain. He knew I was right about our chances. He knew it was an energy drain with very little possibility of any success. He also really wants to believe that I could still get pregnant. In the end, logic and statistics won out but it hurt me to see his optimism fade. 

So, we have stopped trying until January when we will make one of our last two attempts at having a kid. This is it. We are coming to the end of our ttc-turned-infertility journey. After everything we have been through, no matter how it ends, I feel relieved.

Hoping for a bfn?

As the date of my expected period approached I had two wished. One, that it be late so I didn't need to deal with it while camping (it was) and two, that it would definitely arrive (it did). I actually was hoping to not get pregnant.

For the first time in six long years I've truly had enough. I still find myself sad when I hear that yet another one of my old group of friends has had a baby. I still mourn the loss of the experience of pregnancy and parenthood but even with all that I find myself more and more excited to start the life after infertility. A life where I can make plans without wondering if I'll have to cancel them because I'm pregnant or have an infant. A life where I can redirect all that energy back into my (ahem) adult interests. A life where I can put the sex and BDSM toys back on the freakin' walls! The different life that is waiting for me when we stop trying. I am 99.9% sure that I will never get pregnant and I'm finally okay with that. I'm ready to transfer all the energy it takes to ttc (tracking, sperm donor wrangling, inseming, testing) and move it on to other parts of my life.

So what now? Have I given up? Hell if I know. I only got back from my camping trip yesterday and CD 1 is today so I haven't really had time to talk with Monkey about my feelings. I suspect that, no, I am not giving up quite yet. Monkey isn't in the same place as me with this. I'm willing to keep going for awhile for him. At this point I'd be so shocked if we hit that 0.1% chance of pregnancy that it would likely take me a couple months to mourn the loss of the life I imagined without a kid! Ah, what a mind-fuck that would be!

Finally over

My gyn NP sent me in to get a blood test and an hour later the results were officially negative. Not even a tiny bit of HCG in me. So, this was all just a giant head-fuck courtesy of my little friend Clo.mid. Who knows what it did to mess up my cycle so much. I'm assuming it was a serious delay of ovulation but it could have also been jacking my corpus luteum up so much that it took awhile to let go. No matter the why the what is still the same: No pregnancy....again.

My cycle is so messed up I'm taking off the next cycle. I don't want to go through the stress of trying to plan timing when I really don't know what my body is doing. We have plans to do the first Clo.mid/trigger shot/IUI in Aug/Sept.

What little extra hope I had after the polyp removal is dwindling. I'm moving back to baseline, that place where I'm just going through the motions to check the final steps off my list. I'm not quite hopeless but I wouldn't say I'm all that hopeful.

Late...maybe.

I'm late...maybe. Or maybe I'm not. I have no fucking clue when I ovulated. I know I did because the progesterone test came back higher than I've ever gotten. I've tested and gotten 2 negative pregnancy tests. I have no clue what is going on. This is such a mindfuck. I just want to know, one way or the other. I hate not knowing when I thought I'd have known at least 3 days ago. I'm assuming that I'm not. That my period is just late. It happens. But I can't assume completely. I can't assume enough to have my usual bfn martini. Because I could be just too early. It happens. So which is it?

I've emailed my Gyn NP to ask her how late until I worry that something is wrong. If I hadn't been trying for 5 1/2 fucking years I think I'd have a little more patience. After this long, I think I've shown enough patience for a lifetime.

On to the next

My period came a day after the bfn. Kinda late but there can be several reasonable explanations for that. I suspect it had something to do with the horrible antibiotics I've been on for the entire 2ww. I won't go into detail but they really did a number on my digestion. So, here I am at cycle day 2 with my packet of Clomid and my list of instructions for blood tests.

This feels familiar.

Even so, I'm not as down in the dumps as I thought I might be. I didn't cry when I got the bfn or my period. I was disappointed and somewhat annoyed but, in general, not crushed. I'm ready for the next one. I'm ready, more ready than I've ever been, for the Clomid Crazies. I'm ready for the series of blood draws, the OPKs, the frustratingly different fertility signs I get on Clomid and even for the possibility of bursting into tears if some one gets my coffee order wrong. I'm feeling strangely, wonderfully zen about it all. It may not stay but I'm going to enjoy the feeling while it is here.

Waiting for the end

I tested this morning and got to see yet another blank white window on the pee-stick. Another BFN. ::sigh:: I was secretly harboring some high hopes this time but I guess I was just fooling myself again.

I still haven't started bleeding so I'm waiting for that final end. I'm in limbo between a negative test and menstruation. I can't focus on the next try because everything is dependent on what day is cycle day 1. Also, even the most pessimistic ttc-er has that tiny bit of hope that maybe, just maybe, the test was wrong. Maybe the blood won't show and the next test will be positive. I can't help but wish that just a little but mostly I just want it to end so I can move forward.

BFN Blues

Started bleeding today. I guess 1st time with new donor luck isn't in the cards for me. I am handling these letdowns better than I used to but nothing really takes the sting out of another failed cycle.

At least I get my martini tonight.

A break in the heartbreak

(but my heart is still sore.)

I started my period on Friday. (Which was also my 11 year anniversary with Monkey. Sucks to start that day but at least I got to have a martini!) I was pretty sure this was a no-go cycle anyway since the timing was all wrong due to donor boy not getting back to us until after I think I ovulated. Still, strange things happen in ttc so you gotta wait and see. I waited, saw blood and had a drink.

So now I'm officially on another break from ttc. We are in talks with a couple different potential donors, still some not quite local. We are thinking of using donor boy on months when the "out of area" donor might not be practical. But this month is for me to kick back and enjoy not having to think about when I might be ovulating or if I could be pregnant. Weird.

I keep wondering what it will take. What will it take to find a donor that doesn't make this more stressful than it already is? What will it take to get and keep me pregnant? What will it take for me to give up trying? What will it take to give up this dream?

What will it take? I wish I knew. If I knew the answers to the first two questions I would have the key to having a child. If I knew the answer to the second two questions I would at least know how much longer I'd be on this heartbreaking road. But I don't have the answers and I never really will. The worse part of this whole thing is not having the answers. No one knows why I haven't gotten/stayed pregnant yet. All I know is that no one can find anything obviously wrong.

I'm beyond tired of not knowing.