The bottom line

In the USA we have this belief that you can achieve anything if you try hard enough. I was raised with the belief that, if you properly applied yourself, your smarts could get you what you wanted in life. In Western medicine there is a prevailing additude that a patient should pursue every avenue, regardless of the cost. Whether that cost is in money, overall health or quality of life. 

We are, at times, a truly stupid, short-sighted culture. Sadly, more often than not.

So much of my life has been about unlearning these beliefs. It has been the hardest unlesson ever. This time it is in the subject of infertility. Monkey and I have decided not to do the last two medicated cycles. We have decided to stop trying to get pregnant. We are "giving up" our babyquest.

I tried as hard as I could for six years. I applied every ounce of my brain power to books, studies, charts, and tracking. I tried alternative medicine...just about everything I could try. I looked to Western medicine with tests, medications and a minor procedure. Monkey and I always agreed that IVF wasn't for us. We don't think there is anything wrong about it just that it wasn't what we wanted. That said, I think if we had it offered to us for free (in money anyway) the temptation might have been too much for us to pass up. However, it is not free. Not free in money, risk to my health or my continued quality of life. 

And that was the bottom line really. I have devoted six years, nearly half the time Monkey and I have been together, to attempting to grow a fetus inside me. I'm done. I want to see what else life can be for us. We knew the success rates for unexplained infertility, with perfect cycles and obvious ovulation, and with how very long we had tried. The likelihood of those last two medicated tries resulting in a pregnancy were tiny. Not worth the mental and physical strain it would put me through. The only thing with better success, and not much better at that, was IVF. So, we quit. I quit, for my health, for my quality of life, for the chance at a different life than I imagined for us. 

Monkey thinks about private adoption. I am not thinking about anything. Adoption can be just as stressful and heart-wrenching as infertility, especially for alternative families like ours. I'm not ready to think clearly about diving into that. Right now we are rethinking possibilities for our life. We are...satisfied with our decision. Not happy about it but at peace with it, I think. Some days it still hits me like a knife in the heart. Some days I feel so light to be free from a horrible burden of constantly trying. It may always be that way. I'm okay with that.

Mental Illness is no party

On Saturday we had a party for Monkey's birthday. As an extrovert, this was as big a deal for him as the PS3 we got him. There was food, friends and games. 

I sat upstairs listening to the party. I cooked a ton of food and a special cake for the gathering, helped set up the house for guests and then ran upstairs before the first person arrived. I listened to the laughter and talking. Heard people praise my food and enjoy each other's company. I had zero interest in going down to join them. Actually, it was more like negative interest. I felt guilty for this. This is "anti-social" of me. This is "rude" and "inappropriate". That is what society and my upbringing tells me. What my brain tells me is "danger danger danger danger". This goes way beyond being an introvert. Thanks to Social Anxiety Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and the up/down of my Clinical Depression I spent my spouse's birthday party ease-dropping, feeling guilty and anxious. Fan-fucking-tastic. 

The truth is it isn't my fault. The truth is that I was giving Monkey a great gift by taking care of myself so he could enjoy his party without worrying about me. The truth is there is nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of. I'm trying to remember that. I'm trying to learn that. I have an illness. The meds aren't working all that great so self-care is my only resource. 

I'm trying to accept that I have disabilities, that these aren't weaknesses or faults in character. I just wish I could have been there with Monkey. 

The house guest

I could see it coming. I've gotten very good at spotting it lurking around the edges of my brain. Oozing into the folds of thought. Depression has claimed me once again. The "house guest", as my household calls it, has moved back in. 

I white-knuckled my rational brain through Monkey's surgery knowing that he needed me to be present and able. Thankfully, his recovery has been so uneventful and rapid that I wasn't needed for very long. As soon as he didn't need me I crumbled. Monkey and Author could see it coming too so they were ready for it, though hoping for the best. 

I used to be almost paralyzed with fear when I saw the darkness coming to swallow me. Now I feel like a person preparing for a bad weather. Put up the storm windows and check the flashlights. I can't stop it once it has begun to build but at least now I'm able to lessen the impact while I weather the storm. 

I've started on yet another new medication. Will this one help? More importantly, will it keep working for more than a year or so? There is no way to know. Psychiatry is full of very educated guesses. No one knows exactly how or why these medications work or don't work for some people. It is like juggling when some balls are invisible and you don't know how many there are. But I have try because the other option is to live in this darkness and I just can't accept that. 

Post-Op Rundown

Well, let's start with the fact that Monkey is doing great. Everything on his end went perfectly. Our household ran like precision clockwork getting him prepped and deposited in the care of the pre-op team. We even managed to get them to let both Author and myself in the pre-op room. Monkey was dosed to high heaven on Versed (a sedative) to get him to relax a bit in prep. I've been on one dose before my polyp removal and I was quite relaxed. Monkey, who is much smaller than me, took three doses! He was rather tense. Then they wheeled him away to the OR and Author and I turned back to wait.

Not three steps past the waiting room door I burst into tears. I'm rather proud of myself for lasting that long. Author and I went to sit with family to wait the predicted two hours. And then it was two hours...no word. Two and a half hours...nothing. Three hours and Author and I are fidgeting and staring intently at the beeper the receptionist gave us. Him and I both are telling each other "it is just an estimated time" "he was a bit late getting out of pre-op anyway" and so on. We are watching minutes by now and at 3hrs and ten minutes our buzzer goes off and we dash to the desk. The receptionist tells us that they are closing Monkey up and ushers us into a "consult" room. 

If you've ever had bad news at a hospital you will know about the consult rooms. Bad news isn't the only reason for them. Patient privacy is the primary use for them but you can't help but panic a little when you don't expect to be sent to one. It is a closet-like room with a few chairs, a phone on an end-table and a door. Nothing else. Seriously, not even a coat hook. Author, sheet-white and stone-faced, and me, tears already streaming, shuffle into the tiny room clutching hands. Horrible complications are running through our heads but we don't talk about them. What a terrified pair we must have looked like. Dr. M pops in, takes one look at us while shutting the door, and quickly says "He is doing great." Turns out that Monkey also has some endometriosis messing about and Dr M decided to remove as much as he could find to prevent any future issues. That is what took a little longer. I thought Author was going to pass out from relief....or maybe that was me. That last hour of waiting and the 10 minutes waiting in the consult room was one of the worse experience in my life. I hope I won't be repeating it any time soon.

Wrapping up Monkey's surgery, there was one night spent at the hospital then the released him back home. It is now five days since the surgery and he is already decreasing pain medication and walking around often. Another couple days and he will be ready to go out for a cup of tea or something. The healing is going faster than any of us could have hoped for. 

I am so glad this is behind us!

Preparing for the waiting room.

Monkey is having surgery this Saturday.

I believe I've mentioned it before but I'll give a quick background just in case. Monkey has been dealing with some serious menstrual issues for over a year. A few months ago we found out it was all due to a rather large fibroid making his uterus go wonky. His Doc decided that getting a complete hysterectomy (that is just the uterus and cervix but not the ovaries) was the best option for him. Monkey was thrilled. He hated having a period and the fibroid was making it 10 times worse. I was happy for him. He had a solution to his problems and he wouldn't be bothered with monthly bleeding anymore.

Surgery day is fast approaching and, though I know this is a common operation, it is still major. I've been with Monkey for nearing 13 years and this is the first surgery we have experienced. Monkey is a surgery superstar. He had several surgeries as a kid and young adult. Some of them were pretty big deals. But they were all before I met him. I've never had to sit in a room holding his wedding ring waiting for some one to tell me he made it through fine. I am terrified. I know it is a very small chance that anything could go wrong. I know the statistics. The surgeon is actually the one who did my polyp removal so I know how kind and careful he is. Still, they will wheel away the love of my life, put him under, and cut things out of him. And I can't do anything but wait. I am scared to bits of losing him, no matter how astronomically rare the chance of that happening is.

My brain knows it will be okay. My brain is in control of being sure that I have what I need (Xanax, knitting, tissues), that Monkey has what he needs (distractions) and that everything goes smoothly. My brain knows that it will be a heart-thumping couple hours and a few weeks of careful recovery and then our world will go back to normal.

Kink hoopla & real life

I make a big deal about starting to post more about my kink and D/s part of my life and immediately go on to post about marriage rights and medical maneuvering. Ha! Well, I believe I did mention that it was only part of my life and, quite honestly, it gets pushed to the background when other life stuff gets heavy. This fact, this "real world D/s" kind of situation, is one of the reasons I decided to keep my blogging integrated. Many kink blogs out there are purely kink-oriented so you don't get to see how the power dynamic naturally ebbs and flows around things like tax bills, the car breaking down and the dominate partner needing emotional support while preparing for a surgery. That is real life and real 24/7 D/s. It isn't like the books.

Even when life gets hectic the D/s is still there and we have little ways of keeping things centered. It took us years to find these little things that keep us going during those "ebbing" times. There is one thing in particular that never stops. I wait to eat at dinner until Monkey says I can. It seems such an unlikely ritual for me. Having an eating disorder makes me very triggery around any thing involving food. I have a hard limit about controlling my food because my feelings about food can change in an eye blink. Somehow this works for us though. It is a ritual that takes all of 3 seconds and makes us both reconnect almost every day. As a household we eat dinner at the table together almost every night so it is wrapped up in a household, non-D/s, ritual that we have all committed to.

Other rituals come and go in our life but this one stuck even in the most distracting life situations. Sometimes this ritual is the only overt D/s we have months at a time. It is our touchstone to the other, more complicated, aspect of our relationship.

Threading the Loophole

Same-sex marriage isn't legal where I live. Despite the two extremely liberal cities in my state, the haters managed to pass a constitutional ban. (Ptthhhhhht) We do have a Domestic Partnership union that gives us, in this state, all the rights and obligations of marriage. As we all know, this doesn't change the fact that, federally, Monkey and I are legally almost perfect strangers. (I say "almost" because, since I don't work, he gets a small tax deduction for financially supporting a "non-related" adult.)

This is all about to change though. Not, of course, because the federal government has changed the rules but because Monkey feels that he is less F and more M and figures he should make it legal. By changing Monkey's driver's license sex marker from F to M we are suddenly allowed to marry...a federally recognized marriage.

I've seen others stumble into this loophole but usually with people who are......making a more traditional transition. Monkey had breast reduction (not removal) years ago and has no interest in going through that again to remove the rest. He considered taking hormones but he already has some endocrine problems and some other chronic health issues that would make taking testosterone a very, very risky thing. Monkey is unusually short, curvy-hipped. and soft faced. Even if he did top surgery and T he would never, ever pass and he doesn't care. He is male-ish identified and is happy with his identity.

Even though the name and sex identifier change would have happened no matter what I can't say the loophole wasn't a tempting part of the decision. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that. As a homemaker, it would be much better on our tax bill if we are federally married. And, as a person coming to realize that I'm more disabled that I like to admit, it would be a much safer position. But, what about the injustice of this loophole? The only thing that is changing is Monkey got a letter from a DMV certified therapist to make them change the F to an M. Now we have access to all the marriage perks? I'm personally thankful for this loophole as it will make things easier for Monkey and I but I still feel a little shady for exploiting it.

What is in a name?

Today Monkey changed his name. He changed his first name to what just about everyone calls him. He also changed his last name and, in doing that, changed my name as well.

First, a little back story. Monkey's paternal grandparents were immigrants with a very obviously Polish-Jewish name. His grandmother was having a seriously difficult time finding a job and suspected it was due to antisemitism. She chose to shift her married name, and her children's names, to something not so conspicuous. She found a job shortly after. Who knows it the name change actually worked but I know that this kind of thing was (and still is) very common among immigrants wanting to assimilate to the American culture. However, this assimilation and Americanization of Monkey's family name always bugged him, especially since the rest of the extended family stuck with the original name. When Monkey felt ready to do a legal gender change he decided to tack on changing to the original family name.

Several years ago, I changed my name. My mom had died and my dad had disowned me so I didn't feel very attached to my given name and only used it when I had to give the actual legal name. I chose a new first name and took Monkey's last name, the Americanized one. I knew it was possible that I would have to change my name again. That doesn't bother me. I can't say I won't get a giggle at the confused looks I might get when my extremely Irish looks are matched up with my new, extremely Jewish-Polish name. Funny thing, my given first name is a very Jewish name but my mom had no idea. I use it as my middle name now.

So soon there will be a flurry of activity changing the name everywhere. At least this time I don't need to go through the court order stuff. But that is another post...

An Obligatory Warning

I have had a few responses to my post about talking more about the more adult aspects in my life. All of them were positive which is wonderful (Thank you interwebs people!). I knew some would be fine with it, including one or two who are as kinky as I am. Yet, I still felt I need to do an obligatory warning before diving into a lot of poly, sex and D/s stuff. I can't figure out why that is. What am I afraid of? Hmmm. Perhaps, it is because I'm kind of edgy even in the kinky community. These things are a big part of my life but I haven't been putting them to the front of my mind. There is a backlog of things waiting to be dumped out of my head in a messy pile of sweat, lube and a few tears. 

Well, the obligatory warning is an easy thing to do and it will comfort me for some reason. I might as well do it and move past it. 

An obligatory warning: I am about to post more about some things about sex and kink.. This is to encompass more of what is important in my life. Just to give you a bit of an idea of what I will be talking about I figured I should describe a bit of my identity. I am submissive, a masochist, polyamorous, queer (in the broadest sense), and very sex-positive. I live in a D/s relationship with Monkey and Author. Monkey and I have had this kind of relationship for 12 of our nearly 13 years we've been together. Author and I have only ever had a  D/s relationship. I'm very service-oriented (when I'm healthy) but I am also into BDSM. I'm considered an edge player which means I do things that other kinky people might think are extreme. I am always surprised by this because Monkey, Author and I are very focused on being risk-aware about everything we do. It doesn't seem edgy when we have been so careful about possible harm. This is just a warning that some of my posts might include things that cause me to cry, be bruised, or bleed. This is just a reminder that all of this is completely consensual. 

So...that's it. The warning has been posted. I'll let this sit for a few days and then, hopefully, I'll have some time to talk about this other part of my life. 

The other things in my life.

I've been thinking....

This was never meant to be a ttc/infertility blog. I meant it to encompass all the different facets of my life. However, ttc/infertility hijacked my brain, hell, my life! I rarely blogged about anything else. Well, now that part of my life is coming to a close, most likely without me becoming a parent. I have been pondering what to do with this accidental ttc/infertility blog. 

To put it bluntly, I want to get back to writing about my commitment to living in a D/s relationship with Monkey and Author. (For those not in the know, an educational quickie! D/s is short for Dominate/submissive. This dynamic falls under the larger umbrella of BDSM practices. For a definition of that acronym, google it yourself as I haven't the time to do a Kink 101 class.) However, my blog is listed and pops up on searches for queer ttc. This means many people who may not be comfortable with overtly sexual and kinky subject matters, let alone a lifestyle 24/7 D/s relationship, may show up here. They may be surprised and disturbed by suddenly surfing to what they think is a ttc/if blog and finding themselves knee deep in the ramblings of a kinky submissive. 

On the other side of this, I am a kinky lifestyle submissive who was trying to get pregnant and deal with infertility. I don't like the idea of compartmentalizing my life into separate blogs. I've done it before and it felt very unnatural. It felt like I was hiding my submissive, kinky side. Like I should be secretive and ashamed of the way I am and the way I live. This, of course, is a load of bullshit. I am proud of who I am and the dedication I have to service. I'm not ashamed that I'm a masochistic either.

So here is my dilemma. Do I abandon this blog so that ttc/if followers and searchers don't get freaked out by the newer focus? Or do I continue my blog as it was first intended? A messy mash-up of my life as a kinky, submissive, poly, housemaker, hippyish, punkish, chronic pain suffering, infertile, depression-having, genderqueer. 

I put the question out to the interwebs. Dear readers (all 3 of you) and guests, what are your thoughts? 

Yesterday, Monkey and I talked...or I talked and he mostly listened. I told him it felt pointless to continue with donor inseminations. We've been doing this, off and on, for six years. We figured we have done at least 36+ cycles. We've tried different methods, different donors, acupuncture, herbs, Clo.mid, IUIs at home and in clinic. I've been tested up, down and sideways with nothing really wrong. If the polyps were the big problem I should have conceived by now and the polyps were definitely not there for the first couple years of ttc. I felt there was no realistic chance, after all this time, that I would get pregnant just by shoving sperm in me each month. Something is wrong in some subtle way that we can't detect. I wanted to quit the inseminations and reserve my energy for the two medically-directed cycles. Actually, I'm not sure I want to do even those but I couldn't take that small chance that forcing the system might actually work.

It was so hard to watch Monkey caught in a tug of war between his natural optimism and his logical nurse's brain. He knew I was right about our chances. He knew it was an energy drain with very little possibility of any success. He also really wants to believe that I could still get pregnant. In the end, logic and statistics won out but it hurt me to see his optimism fade. 

So, we have stopped trying until January when we will make one of our last two attempts at having a kid. This is it. We are coming to the end of our ttc-turned-infertility journey. After everything we have been through, no matter how it ends, I feel relieved.

Clomid Crazy

Okay, so I exaggerate a bit. It actually hasn't been that bad. Well, I say it hasn't been that bad. My household may have a different opinion. I've asked and they say, very quickly, that it hasn't been as bad as previous Clomid cycles. I'm not sure if I believe them but, either way, I feel like I have a handle on the crazy hormone fluxes this time around.

I got my new FSH results. Four years ago, when I first got my FSH tested it was a 5. That is an excellent number for anyone at any age. Now, at 37 years old, my FSH is a 9. That is...fair. It is actually a pretty good number for some one my age. Still, my ovaries are showing my age a bit. I was ready for this result. I knew the statistics. I knew that my age, and the fact that I haven't gotten pregnant after all this time, is counting against me. Monkey, ever the optimist, had a bit of a shock. He's a medical professional so he really likes to grab on to hard results of scans and test. This is the first time we've gotten a test that clearly shows our window is closing. I've tried to tell him this. I've showed him the statistics on fertility over 35 years old but I think he always thought of me as outside of those numbers. When faced with a change from 5 to 9 in FSH over the last 4 years he was taken aback. There in the lab result was a hard fact about me, about our only available egg producer and womb. For the first time in the last 5 1/2 years of ttc it really hit him that I might not get pregnant. Suddenly my sense of urgency seemed more valid to him. Suddenly, he had the same sense of urgency. It also has added a touch of sadness to him that wasn't there before.

On one hand, I like that he is finally on the same page as me. When I say I don't want to wait too long to do the full clinic Clomid cycles he heartily agrees. He has even mentioned months a little before what I was thinking! On the other hand, it hurts to see his optimism fading. Yes, it is realistic and appropriate but I hate to see the sadness in his eyes when he thinks about never having a kid.

Well, statistics and realism aside, I'm not out yet. My FSH shows good ovarian reserve and my estrodiol was good too. My post-ovulation progesterone test is on Sunday so we will see if that is responding to the med as well. My polyps are gone and unlikely to come back rapidly. My donor was able to offer 3 donations this cycle and, even with the weirdness of Clomid, I think I got the timing right. And if it didn't happen this cycle, well we still have a few more over the summer. After that we still have our full on infertility clinic rounds. Who knows, we could get lucky finally. We both hold on to that.

Mark a Win

The last two years have been all about becoming more healthy. I started with properly treating my depression and anxiety (check!), moved on to addressing my eating disorder and obesity (check and ongoing check!) and lately it has been all about dealing with chronic pain.

Yes, I have chronic pain. I consistantly averaged a 6-7 on the pain scale daily. (Anything over a 4 on the pain scale will trigger most doctors to hand you prescription strength pain killers.) This started when I got a pretty severe repetitive stress injury in my back and right arm at 25 years old. It took six months to go back to regular full time work and a year to get to a stable point. Even then I was marked off as having permanently lost 8% of my physical ability forever. I was told that I would have flare ups of back pain for the rest of my life and a higher chance of tendon issues and arthritis. I assumed this meant I should just push through the pain because it would never really go away. I came from a family of addicts (various) so I wasn't about to pop narcotics on a regular basis and risk addiction. So I ignored it...for the last 11 years. And, surprise, the pain got worse. I injured myself repeatedly and had horrible flare ups that left me crying on the couch unable to move my arms. It made my depression and anxiety worse. It make me binge more for comfort. It made exercise 10x harder and so I continued to gain weight....which made my pain worse. You see how this feedback loop goes?

Well, silly me, I didn't realize the damage I was continually doing. Not just to my body but to my brain! I knew about neural pathways and how they become more likely to follow well used connections, like a rut in the road, but I never made the connection to pain messages. I have spent the last 11 years making deep ruts in my pain pathways. Now some of my pain has nothing to do with actual physical injury! The damn buggers are just zapping my brain with pain messages any old time they feel like it! (Side note: It is a theory that this is a possible cause of fibromyalgia. My primary NP suspects I would meet the diagnostic criteria for fibromyalgia but I don't think I'll bother with that.)

Two years ago this would have seemed like a situation impossible to change. I would feel helpless and hopeless. Thankfully, I'm new-found stability gave me the platform to address this. About 6 months into this new pain improvement project and I feel fantastic! I've tracked my pain, discovered what helps and what hurts. I've re-organized my chores, my kitchen set up and learned to ask for help from Monkey and Author when I have flare ups. As a result, I'm spending most of my time at a 1-2 on the pain scale and managing to get more done that I did before! I have accepted that careful use of some mild narcotic pain meds are a good thing and that, if I don't ignore my pain, I'm less likely to need them. I've added a regular, non-narcotic med that is managing my nerve-related pain amazingly.

So I'm marking another win in the "Bear 2.0" project!

The new hope?

After waiting for 2 weeks we finally got the results of my pelvic ultrasound. I knew after a week of no info that something might be up and when my NP called me at 7pm on a Friday I was sure it was more than just an "all clear" talk.

It seems I have a significant polyp in my uterus. Well, large when you consider the normal size of a uterus. It is about the size of an eraser on the end of a pencil. The delay in getting the results was my NP wanting a surgery consult before talking with me so that she could tell me all the options. I think she was also figuring out a way to code it so that it is covered under regular gyn rather than infertility so it will cost us a lot less to get it removed. I love my gyn NP. :)

It has been over 4 years since the last time they looked inside my pelvic area but it could have possibly been growing and irritating things for the last 2 years considering the size. Removing it may not magically result in a pregnancy but there are studies showing that it can be a significant factor in infertility. No matter the lack of certainty on effecting fertility we are having it removed. I'm waiting to hear from the surgeon's office to get the ball rolling.

Is this an explanation? Is this possibly a chance to hope again? Monkey and I have decided that there is enough evidence that it could be that our planned "2 last tries" are not enough. If I'm going to have pevic surgery for this then I want at least 6 more tries. Monkey is hoping I'll be willing to go for another year of tries. We'll see. We will still do those 2 clo.mid/trigger/IUI tries in there somewhere but we aren't sure what we are going to do about the rest. Find another known donor? We have an offer that came out of the blue that Author and Monkey are exploring. Or are we going to do some home IUIs with frozen so we don't have to coordinate another person's schedule? Neither of us can think about it too much until after the surgery.

I'm feeling...ambivalent about all this. Hmm, yes, simultaneous and contradictory feelings. Ambivalent is definitely the correct word. I know that this isn't a guaranteed solution. I could do the surgery, try for another year and still not get pregnant. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and angered by the thought of another 6-12 2 week waits. I just got to a place of acceptance that chances are I wouldn't have a child! But, the chances are in our favor that this polyp has been preventing me from getting pregnant and removing it could be what we need to finally become pregnant. An exciting and hopeful thought. I'm trying to hold on to the hopeful side of this new development. Maybe this will be the magic treatment that finally gives me a baby.

How did it get to be 2012?!?!

Everything is moving so fast! How did we get ankle deep in to January already?!

I'm making good things happen in my life. I've been doing lots of new crafty things, started a (phone) photography project, plugging away at hooping, knitting outside my comfort zone, clearing out clutter and planning some redecorating. All of this is helping with the seasonal crap that has been bogging me down a bit.

December contained:
*A sick dog who is now all better after $1,000 of vet bills. That was after the savings I get for having a Pet Insurance Plan.

*An XBox 360 with Kinect as a holiday gift for the household. I'm not a big gamer but this thing is a lot of fun. Also, having my Hulu and Netflix set up through the XBox is super cool.

*A Nook E-Reader. I love it. So far I've been loading it up with knitting patterns and taking advantage of my local library's e-book lending. After a book resell trip to Powell's for credit I'll be loading it up with some books from their e-book offerings. (Nook is from Barnes & Noble but, unlike Kindle, they make it easy to put other format types on your e-reader.)

*A very crazy month of eating whatever I wanted...a bit too much. I'm back on the WW wagon to continue my healthy habit building.

*An Instagram photo challenge where I took a photo every day of December to match each day's theme. I'll be doing a post with a link to those pictures. I loved doing the daily themes but I've moved to weekly themes for 2012 to give me a bit more breathing room. If you are on Instagram and want to follow me I use the name "yeledov" so look me up!

*A lot of physical therapy for a moderate tear in my right rotator cuff. I'm improving slowly and have at few more months of this. It has put a serious cramp in my hooping practice but I work with what I have.

Coming up in January:
*Baseline ultrasound to double check that my reproductive bits are structurally normal. I've had one before but it was 4 years ago.

*Clomid Challenge Test without insemination. Now that I'm in the "elderly" age bracket for infertility my NP wants to check my response to Clomid again. I have another cycle of side effects and blood tests to look forward to. This will tell us if it is still worth the money and stress of doing the last two infertility cycles or if we should just throw in the towel now. Strangely, I'm not too worried about this. I think, whatever my problem is, it isn't my ability to ovulate.

*A landmark birthday for Monkey. He is crossing the 35 year line. I'm not sure why but this seems like a big deal.

*Lots and Lots of new crafting/art/knitting things.

I'm going to try to blog more. I'm still trying to decide if I need to make a creative arts blog as well or if I should keep it all mixed up here. Hmmm.

The last chapter

Bee contacted us last week to officially end our donor relationship. He's sorry. He wishes things hadn't worked out this way. Blah, Blah, Blah. Whatever. Really, I'm not upset with him. A little annoyed but I can't work up much anger at him. I've been through this before and I don't get terribly attached to donors anymore. After last month I expected this.

So, here is where we are: I'm done with donors. I can't muster up the energy or hope it takes to slog through and find a match. We feel we've done all we can ourselves. We have two Clomid/Trigger/IUI cycles waiting for us with our NP. We think that Feb/March 2012 will be a good time to do those. As I've said before, these are our "no regrets" cycles. The last thing we need to check off our list to feel like we did the best we could manage. We will use frozen sperm and jump through all the fertility clinic hoops for those last two cycles but if those don't work, well, not every infertility story ends with a baby. Actually, a majority of them don't.

After that we will go on with our lives. Our hearts will break, and mend. We will grieve our loss of the child that never was and then move on to celebrate the life we already have. Until then, I try take care of myself and to start learning to let go.

Leaves aren't the only thing changing

I think the biggest change is how I'm feeling about trying to get pregnant. As of right now we are planning to do one insem each cycle with Bee until early next year. Once we've saved up enough we will do my last two clinic infertility cycles. I'm already thinking beyond those cycles to giving up. Of course, I've been thinking about that for awhile but, well, I guess I'm making the assumption that they won't work. I don't expect to get pregnant but I have to try. I have to check it off the list so I don't feel regret sometime later. Grief I will feel no matter what I do but I don't want to have regrets.

As a result of my lack of hope, I'm feeling pretty detached from the process. This weekend starts my fertile period. We emailed the dates to Bee and he hasn't gotten back to us yet. I'm indifferent. We could do an insem this cycle or not. Monkey, however, is not making the "it won't work" assumption. He can't really think about after the infertility cycles to giving up. Though he says he would be fine to give up I don't think he ever imagined we'd get to this point. It isn't a real possibility in his mind yet. He truly believes that, somehow, between now and then I will get pregnant and have a baby. I don't believe that at all. As I said before, I'm only doing these last attempts so that I know in my heart and my mind that I did whatever I was capable of to get pregnant. If Monkey is right and I do get pregnant in this process I will be completely and utterly shocked. It will actually require me to shift my life view back to what it was before I lost hope. Well, some of it anyway. I rather like some of the downsizing ideas that have come out of planning a different life.

Monkey and I have always been on different stages in this ttc process. I always feel like I'm a step or two ahead of him in it. I guess that isn't unusual since it is my body we are working with. I have to think ahead every two weeks and beyond. He has less to do in the theoretical stages of becoming a parent this way. He is thinking about it more now because he is trying to prepare for the possibility that it really won't happen. It makes me sad to see him trying to hold back the grief. I know all too well what it feels like.

To a certain extent I'm just ready for this to be over. I consider the possibility of giving up before the IF cycles but only for a moment. I need that closure. I need that final option behind me to let go. So now I'm in a ttc limbo with nothing to do but go through the motions and wait to see what happens.

One person's trash...

As my household clears out our mounds of built-up stuff Monkey has started checking on Ebay if our outgoing items are worth anything. While looking at, what I think of as a pile of junk, I laughed at his efforts and went back to sorting. The books I could see being worth some trade-in credit at Powell's and maybe we could find some specialty vinyl record store that wanted some of our three boxes of inherited records but the rest... Well, Monkey ignored me and went on checking. Most of what he was checking on was outdated tech. Who wants a zip drive nowadays in the time of 4g thumb drives cheep at every store? It seems some one does, along with a lot of other odds and ends that we have no use for. So far it looks like we may make enough to fund our last vacation of the season coming next week.

This is especially fortunate as predictions of a bad winter to come have been starting to pop up. As a result, we are shelling out on a whole cord of wood as well as preparing to go through a lot more heating oil.

I will never doubt the interest of some one else wanting what I'm getting rid of. I'm hoping these things are going to people who will use them rather than junk up someone else's life.

My hero

My primary partner, Monkey, works in community mental health. He does a very, very difficult job with, sometimes very, ill patients on a very tight budget. He hears horrible stories of abuse and neglect from the histories of many of his clients. Sometimes they take out their pain on him by yelling and threatening him. Sometimes, thankfully rare, he loses clients to suicide or overdose. He goes through this every day at the office. Every day he gets up and goes back again for more. He does it because he loves his job. He cares about these people who no one else are helping. He believes that each client has the ability, with some help, to be stable, happy, sober, whatever. When he worked exclusively in addictions he always believed that if some one blew out of treatment that they would come back and, next time, they would succeed at getting sober. Every. Single. Time. Monkey is one of my heroes. How he manages to have worked in community mental health for the past 12 years and not become jaded and bitter has always amazed me.

He posted on his own blog yesterday about his work. You can read it here. He is an amazing guy, my Monkey. I'm so proud of who he is and the work he does. :)

Drawing lines

I'm done. There is almost nothing Monkey's mother could say or do that would repair the damage she has done over the past couple days. I've tried to leave a door open for the possibility of reconciliation. I figured, if I have a kid, I'd have to interact with her for the sake of the kid knowing its only living grandparent. However, now that I've heard how disrespectful she of our family relationship and Monkey as an individual, I don't think she will recognize the child as family. That was the only thing keeping me willing to even bother talking to her. With that gone, I see no reason to even consider trying.

I've never believed the adage "blood is thicker than water" and now I just have another example of why chosen family is my only family.