Remembering Mom

Six years ago today my mother committed suicide. She felt trapped, hopeless and completely helpless to change her situation. My mom was in so much pain, physical and psychological, that death seemed the only option.

I'm not going to pretend my mom was all wonderful. She had her faults. We didn't get along and she sure as hell fucked me up in some ways. I still have some pretty strange body image issues and "work through the pain" ideas that are completely hers. However, she also taught me to be independent and strong. She accepted and loved me when I came out as queer, supported my polyamorous relationships and could care less if I made a lot of money as long as I was happy. All things considered, she wasn't horrible, just a flawed human being like the rest of us.

She thought that her death wouldn't matter. She thought I wouldn't care if she killed herself. She thought that my brother and I would be better off without her. I think a lot of people who attempt/commit suicide think that. It is NEVER true. Her suicide is a horrible legacy that she has left my brother and I. It will always be a part of us now. Not just her death but the fact that she took her own life, choosing to leave T and I behind to deal with the confusion, guilt, feelings of betrayal and anger that is part of every suicide survivor's inheritance.

As some one who has suffered with clinical depression all my life I know how tempting the though of suicide can be. What always stopped me was the thought of how it would effect the people who I left behind. I couldn't do that to my mom, my brother, my friends and lovers. Now that I know first hand what if feels like to be the one left behind I wish I could prevent it from happening to anyone ever again.

So this is in the memory of my mom, Colleen, and in honor of all of us that were left to pick up the pieces after a loved one commits suicide.

If you are considering suicide please hear me when I say that it isn't your only option. Somethings can be fixed, somethings can heal. You can and will feel better than this someday. Some one cares about you even if you don't realize it. Reach out and get help. Please try.

GET HELP!
Global: International Association for Suicide Prevention has information for crisis centers all over the world.

In the US: National Suicide Prevention Lifetime or Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

In Canada: Centre for Suicide Prevention

Those left behind.

When you lose some one to suicide the news of another suicide, if you know the person or not, brings up the emotions of the original loss. (Background: My mom committed suicide in December 2005.)

Sadly, it has happened twice since she died. The first time was a year after her death. We were regulars at a family owned and run coffeehouse in our neighborhood. They shut down for a week and we found out then that one of their adult sons had committed suicide. I had never met this man but it doesn't matter. Suicide is always a tragedy, whether you know the person or not. A couple weeks later I overheard another son, who worked regularly at the coffeehouse, telling the story of his brother's death to a friend of the family while sitting in the cafe. I started to cry thinking of the pain my brother and I went through with our mom's death and knowing that this family was going through the same thing.

It has happened again and I am feeling the same heartache. This time the person is on the other side of the world. I never met him or even ever replied to anything he said on social media but I followed one of his twitter accounts because he was funny, snarky and a part of the Nine Inch Nails fan community. He attempted suicide a couple months back and tweeted his goodbyes before doing it. It triggered a world-wide response from his NIN fan friends, some of whom knew local family that could act. He was found and saved. He seemed to be getting better. The word has gone out in the community that he succeeded in killing himself two days ago. Watching the community respond with confusion, sadness and anger is like watching my thoughts from my mom's death scroll by on Twitter.

You never really heal from a friend or a family member committing suicide. It is always a part of you. My heart aches for this man's children, his family, his friends and the whole close-knit NIN community. We are all scarred when some one commits suicide.

If you have stumbled on this post and are in a dark place please get help. Go here: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). It is free and always available. If not for yourself then for the people who love you and, trust me, some one loves you. There is hope on the other side of depression. I've been there, I got help, I found a way out of the darkness. You can too.

If you lost some one to suicide and want to talk to people who understand I suggest here: www.afsp.org. It continues to help me deal with the issues that come up about my mother's suicide. You never really get over it but you can learn to make peace with being one of those left behind in the aftermath of suicide.