Halfway there but where am I going?

I hate the 2ww but I save a special place in my burning loathing for the second half. The last week of the 2ww is when things get real. You could be really pregnant at that time but it is too early to know for sure. You could also be really not pregnant and any hope is just a delusion. Through it all is the slow march to d-day, the day when your period is due...or the day you will be officially "late". All there is to do is plod along through it, alternately hopeful you are pregnant and convinced it didn't work.

I think it is the uncertainty in the face of potential reality that gets me. Something is happening, or not happening, right at that moment but I can't find out what! I am the worst at obsessively looking for signs of pregnancy even though I know that is silly. The one time I did get pregnant I was convinced I wasn't and, therefore, didn't find out that I had been until the miscarriage started. I don't trust early pregnancy tests to I avoid them for as long as possible. I'm stuck in this road with out knowing my destination. Will I be in bfn town and have to start my journey over again? Or, this time, will I find myself in the magical land of pregnancy and starting on a completely different road? Only time will tell, only waiting will resolve the question.

Fucking Sucks.

Sock Summit 2011

I'm a knitter. Hah! That is the first time I've really said that! I've always said "I'm learning to knit" or I'm trying to knit" but I think now I can really say I'm a knitter. Why? Because of the Sock Summit.

The Sock Summit is a conference every other year in Portland, Oregon (yay local to me) where it is all about knitting socks. Yes, there is a HUGE conference just about knitting socks. Their tagline is "Taking sock knitting almost too far." It is a thing. People come from all over. There are 4 days of classes for all kinds of things. There is also an amazing marketplace full of vendors. I'm not enough of a devotee to go more than one day but I did attend a 1hr class this year. I also went shopping!! I got some great punky knitting-related buttons and enough yarn to keep me happy for at least a couple months...maybe.

People outside of this kind of thing would think that a knitting, especially a sock knitting, convention would be full of little old ladies. It isn't so. Knitting is in with the DIY culture and, therefore, the Sock Summit was filled with tattoos, piercings, wild-colored hair and punk sensibility. I felt right at home.

Here are the buttons I managed to get!
Always!


Creepy Knitter!


The skull bag is my notions keeper. :)











And my new yarn to add to the stash!

The perfect cycle

The perfect cycle means nothing in trying to get pregnant. When donor visits are timed perfectly with fertile windows, you are feeling relaxed and healthy it feels like it should guarantee success. That isn't how this works. But still, when you have the perfect cycle, hope raises just a little. It all seems more possible that it will end with a positive pregnancy test, a worry-free pregnancy and a healthy birth. If only.

I've had more perfect cycles than I can remember. Obviously, it didn't mean anything about success. The one time I managed to get pregnant over the last 4 1/2 years of trying it was a comedy of errors. My cycle started while I was at a conference, at which I caught the worst stomach flu I've ever had in my life and my donor was out of town for my prime fertile days. Yet, this imperfect cycle resulted in, at least, a conception and a brief implantation.

You can't count on perfect cycles. I know that from painful experience. Yet I can't help but feel a bit more hopeful when everything falls into place so smoothly. I usually fight against this extra hope but this time I think I will embrace it. Who knows, maybe that will help too!

Google+

Do you have Google+? Do you want to find me on Google+? Search on Google+ for "Yeledov" and you will find me! :) Shiny!

Starting agian

It has begun. Today is our first insemination with our new donor, Bee. As luck would have it I'm also having my first day of feritle mucus. I started taking Evening Primrose Oil last month because I was concerned that my age was starting to effect my CM. Now I'm having epic spin. Seems the EPO is doing the trick! 

I'm a little nervous about tonight. Not worried, I know he'll show up and I'll get to insem. It is more the nerves from that first awkward time when you hand a jar to a guest in your home and send him to the bathroom to jack off into it. Queer ttc is often a surreal experience and this is one of those times.

I'm feeling optimistic. I haven't felt that way in a couple years. I am hopeful, not about individual cycles but the process and this donor. It feels odd but good. Maybe, after all this heartache, this is the time it will work.

Shiny!

I'm on Google Plus! I've spent way to much time on it today. I'm really liking it. With all my various worlds (ttc/infertility, genderqueer, kinky, poly, ect) it is good to be able to keep them separate but all on one socnet.

I'm not sure how to tell people to find me if they are on G+, especially since I don't use my real name here and I really don't want to put it out there. I guess, if you are on G+ and you want to find me then comment or email me from here and we will figure it out from there!

Just a quick IV bag and then I'll be going.

Last week I must have picked up a little bug. I had some intense gastrointestinal issues. I won't go into TMI-land but I will say that it was unpleasant, lasted 4 days straight and really had me struggling with staying hydrated. I was fine other than this one little issue but this "little" issue was starting to cause some serious worries. On the 4th day of this the advice nurse decided it was time for me to get checked out. My Saturday afternoon was spent at the urgent care center. Thankfully it wasn't very busy at that time. That morning I had started eating yogurt in hope of making my guts happier. By the time I got seen it seems the yogurt was doing the trick and I was doing much better. I was, however, dehydrated so they gave me some IV fluids and electrolites while they waited for my labs to come back, just in case. Between the extra fluids and the yogurt working its happy gut magic, I was feeling great by the time I left. The labs did confirm I was fighting something off but nothing looked too scary. They finished up pouring the fluids into me and gave me the list of "come back right away" symptoms I was sent home to eat more yogurt and keep downing fluids. Isn't always the way that the minute you arrive at urgent care you start to improve?! But at least I got a good boost in my hydration and the peace of mind that I wasn't seriously ill.

While I was kicked back with an IV in my hand (my arm veins were shy because I wasn't well-hydrated) I had a moment of profound gratitude. For $35 I was getting a lot of "just in case" care. The IV, the labs, the chat with the FNP were all available to me. It wasn't unreasonably extra care considering my symptoms but it is more than I would have gotten if I had to pay marked price for these services. I remember what it was like without insurance. I'm lucky to have such good coverage. It is ridiculous that I have to be "lucky" to access health care. Just because my partner has a good job, because our state requires fair treatment of queer couples so I can be on his insurance, because we have the money to pay for employee spouse coverage, because we have the money for the co-pay. Just because I'm lucky. It horrifies me when I think of all the people who need health care, not a "just in case" check like I did. Our system is fucked. The lottery is about luck, not people's lives. ::sigh::

It will all be ok...

Last week I was stressing. I was worried. We were still feeling the financial effects of a surprise $800 car repair bill. We had some serious issues to deal with concerning our property tax and our year long ordeal to set up an escrow account. I was even still concerned that Bee, the new donor, would somehow change his mind and back out.

As I was dropping off a box of extra kitchen stuff to donate I spied a bit of graffiti through some trees at the edge of the parking lot. "Does it really say that?!" I wondered and then I had to go see. I poked through a hole in the tree line and peeked through a hole in some chain link fence. Yes, it really does say that. It is like a message from the universe just for me. You can't see it unless you park in that one spot and look straight through the break in the trees. I felt like it was reminding me that nothing was really that bad. That, one way or another, everything always works out. That the world isn't conspiring against me. That I can change my world simply by changing my perspective and my assumptions.

This was just what I needed to see on that day. I spent a few minutes taking pictures of it, grateful that I had my new phone with the much better camera. I messed with some filters and tilt-shift to really make it stand out, like it did in my mind when I saw it. I tweeted it, posted it on my instagram and made it my lock screen on my phone so I could see it often. Now I'm sharing it here.

Yesterday, Monkey was notified that an error had occurred with his pay. He was not getting paid the correct rate because payroll never got the message that Monkey had his extra certification before starting. As a result he was owed 3 months of back-pay for the difference and would be getting the correct rate from now on. O.o!! We hadn't noticed! The paychecks were higher than his old job so we really didn't think it was too low. Now we have a windfall of cash that will fill the hole left by the car repairs and pay some of the property tax so that we can keep working on getting that damn escrow account set up.

It will all be ok. Yes, it will. :)

The Dinner Project - Taco Salad

For this Dinner Project post I'm going back to the meal that started this all. The taco salad that made me think "I need to take a picture of this!"

For our taco salads we have little or no carbie stuff. Author will sometimes have a few light tortilla chips with his but that is about it. Mostly, it is all about the meat and veg for me though we do have beans and rice as well.

We start with extra lean ground beef, no more than 5% fat. We get it from a place that grinds it's own beef and doesn't add any of that disgusting "pink slime" filler that is chemically treated. (If you don't know about this stuff I suggest you look it up. Foul! And in almost every bit of ground beef on the market!) Someday I'd like to grind my own beef but this supplier is fine until then. I cook the beef in salsa. Nom! Since Monkey has an allergy to fresh tomato, the salsa has to be blended smooth and cooked completely. (We have no idea why this works for him but is the only way he can eat tomato products without severe nausea/vomiting and hives.) As a result, I usually add some Anaheim peppers and

onions to give it a little more texture.

For the veg, I saute a bunch of veg, usually red and green peppers, onions and mushrooms. Then the fresh salad fixings. We usually go though whole head of lettuce for the three of us. I like a nice mix of butter and red leaf lettuce. I'm the only one who eats fresh tomatoes but, during the season, I use a ton of them! I also save a little of the salsa before blending it for Monkey so I can add it to my salad. We top off the veg with some olives and, sometimes, roasted green chili.

The fatty bits: Ideally we would have fresh guacamole but good avocados are 1) difficult to find in Oregon and 2) difficult to fit into a weight loss plan. Sometimes we find a good one and can't resist adding a tablespoon to our taco salad night. Avocados are the one thing I miss right now. There are no "light" avocados. To make up for the lack of creamy green goodness we do add sour cream. None of that "light" crap. I have yet to find a light sour cream that doesn't taste like paste. I do however use a very good Tillamook reduced-fat cheese. You still can't use much but an ounce of this can go a long way.

So here is the plate that started my interest in documenting my favorite dinners. Look at how beautiful! Look at how much food! While eating my amazing taco salad I don't feel deprived of quantity or taste. I can be a foodie and still lose the extra weight!

The Bee is cleared for flight.

The test results are back! That was really fast. It took less than 24 hours from blood draw to results. I'm impressed. Bee is clean, as we figured he would be since his risk factors are way low. So, now, it appears I have a donor. He will be coming over for tea and snacks on Sunday to sign the contract, talk details and setup our first inseminations.

My period is due in three days or so. This has lined up so perfectly I'm a little freaked out by it. I'm a little weirded out by feeling optimistic. After all this time, all these attempts, I still find myself feeling hopeful again with a new donor. It is true that I have more to be optimistic about this time. As I mentioned, I'm healthier in so many ways this time. That can't hurt.

So here I am, 4 1/2 years since that first ttc cycle. I have a new donor...again. Time to jump back in.

Donor karma

I feel like I've done something very good and am getting rewarded by our, soon to be, new donor. Maybe I've just burned off all my bad karma by having to weed through some really asshats to find this guy.

I think I'm going to call him Bee because he is both a "busy bee" and a "worker bee" in the project. Plus there is the whole "Birds & the Bees" thing that amuses me. (Though I guess with me it would be the Bears and the Bees!) So Bee is, hopefully, our new donor. Pending testing, which is in the works starting today. He should be getting the blood draws today and then it is just a matter of waiting for the results. I don't think there will be any problems but you have to check. Due diligence and all that.

Bee reminds me of my first donor. Eager, invested, accommodating and engaged. This makes me very happy. A little part of me is still waiting for it to all fall apart. I won't entirely believe this is worked out until he shows up for the first insemination. I do think that the decreased stress I felt about our first donor contributed to the one pregnancy that I managed to have, however briefly. Monkey is over the moon about Bee and is suddenly very optimistic again that I will be pregnant soon. I'm definitely more optimistic about the donor but that hasn't carried over to it actually working. We'll see though. I'm healthier than I've ever been, both mentally and physically. That certainly won't hurt our chances. I'm older and Bee is older than any other donor we've had but neither of us are completely out of the realm of likelihood to produce a child.

If the tests go as planned, as I expect they will, we will be starting next cycle. Since my cycle is due to start in a week that is right around the corner!

Pleasantly surpised

Well, pending std testing, it would appear we have a very eager and communicative donor set up. I'm still a little shocked. He is very communicative, engaged and thoughtful. He has a sense of humor about the process. He was curious about our poly situation and our gender identity but was respectful and open-minded. He wanted to know some basics about our family life and poly with kids stuff. He feels that if he is to participate in creating a child he has a responsibility to make sure the family is a good one. I can respect that. His only requirement is that he get a picture of the kid, however, he is open to being more involved if we are comfortable with it. We are leaving that open for now.

A strange thing, he sets off all of our gaydar something fierce but he has been very careful not to let on to his sexuality. We are confused by this but have chosen not to ask about it. I mean, if anyone is going to be accepting of this it is us. If he is gay/bi/queer he doesn't want to talk about it and that is fine with us. We respect his choice to keep sexual identity out of the donor relationship.

He is currently waiting for us to set up his tests. He has already asked "because I'm a planner!" when my next fertile window may be so he can mark it on his calendar.

I am pleasantly, cautiously hopeful that this will work out. If the test results get back in time we may be inseminating at the end of July.

I've got to figure out a blog name for him.

The dinner project - Strawberry milkshake

I know I call this "The Dinner Project" but what is dinner with out a little desert every now and then?

It is summer and we have a huge amount of strawberries showing up in our farmer's markets. We are eating about a 1/2 flat (that is 6 pints) a week. Well, I say "week" but what I really mean is "between Saturday (market day) and, at the latest, Tuesday." None of the berries last past that anyway. So how do we pack away that many berries? Aside from just stuffing our mouths with them we make shakes! This is one of those, "surprised I'm still losing weight" kind of thinks. I've found it is all about the right choices though. I will make some ice cream suggestions. We use Breyer's Fat Free Vanilla Ice Cream or Umpqua Nonfat Frozen Vanilla Yogurt. (I think Umpqua is a NW thing.) Reddi Whip has a very nice Fat Free whipped cream for a little extra on top. The most important thing is very ripe strawberries. If you can find Hood strawberries, an Oregon specialty, then you are in for a real treat. They are usually a June thing but, because of our late start to summer this year, we are getting them in abundance in July.

The basic recipe for the strawberry milkshake shown in the picture below is 1 cup of ice cream/frozen yogurt and 1 & 1/2 cup of Hood strawberries. The strawberries were so juicy that I didn't need to thin the shake down with a tablespoon of milk like I sometimes do. The trick to a thick and tasty milkshake is speed. Have everything ready before you combine and do short, fast bursts of blending. Don't take too long trying to get it perfectly smooth. You'll just end up with a soupy mess. (I knew managing that ice cream shop in college would pay off in the end!)

My amazing summer treat that I can still eat and be healthy!