Reminder of failure

Every now and then something reminds me of that horrible, confusing day when I found out I had miscarried (before I even knew I was pregnant.) Today I had a kind of flashback to that experience.

I'm on CD 6 and I'm still spotting. Usually I'm completely done after CD4. The same thing happened the cycle I conceived/miscarried. I didn't try to test until CD8 back then and I only tested to rule it out before I bugged my NP about it. I never expected it to come up positive and knew from the start that it was a miscarriage. This is not what I think is happening now.

I'm losing weight, my body is changing. That is likely what is happening this time. But the similarity to that experience brings up the memories and conflicted feelings of that time. I was years ago now. I've been on this journey so long, experienced so much...but never the one thing I'm doing all of this for, the joy of a viable pregnancy.