Some things don't change

In a previous post I talked about how my new combo of psych meds had made some surprising changes in me. I also listed some basic things about me that haven't changed. This point in my life seems to be all about discovering things that were buried under the fog of sub-clinical (for me) treatment of my depression and anxiety. Even the things that are just truly me, not my illness, are discoveries.

There was one thing that I always wondered if it was just me or if it was my mental illness. I have never been a particularly engaging person. I am curious person and I like to watch people but I'd really rather not interact with them. There are notable exceptions, some situational and some universal. Monkey is a universal exception. I always feel comfortable with him. After a bit of "getting to know you" time with Author (and accepting that I can not read him at all) I found that he is also a universal exception. Past lovers and a couple friends have been situational exceptions. These are people I am temporarily comfortable engaging with. Those ones come and go depending on situation and my mood. Beyond that I'd rather be left to my watching.

Some things don't change. Though my tolerance for crowds and stimulation has improved it seems I'm still the classic non-engaging introvert I've always been. Check that off the list as a truly Bear characteristic. I still like watching people and, now, I can do it for longer and in more varied situations. I would still rather they not talk to me and I have no interest in talking to them. I have no drive to find more friends or spend more time with people I already know. I'm interested in going to more events (queer, leather, Jewish, concerts) but I don't hope for interactions or socialization there. I just want to watch...like I always do.

With everything that is changing for me it is kind of comforting to find the things that are the same. It is nice to know that my identity as an introvert is real and true.