Deserving

One of the comments I hate the most on ttc/infertility communities is "you deserve this." It is used to absolve any guilt people have of getting lucky and leaving the rest of us behind. It is a good thing to elevate guilt, especially in the infertility community, but the flip side of this statement is troubling. It implies that somehow those of us who haven't gotten pregnant don't deserve it yet. That we haven't suffered enough or we aren't good enough. That we aren't deserving. That disturbs me.

I've been striving, working, suffering for a pregnancy for the last four years. I've been taking care of my body to the best of my ability. Eating well, taking vitamins and cutting back on alcohol and caffeine. I have tracked my cycles, agonized over donor choices, coordinated schedules and read every conception, pregnancy and parenting book I could get my hands on. If this concept of "deserving" is true then what have I done to not deserve this? Why do good people, who have gone through a hell of a lot more than I have, not deserve this? Why do drug-addicted criminals with no interest in improving their lives get knocked up wily-nilly, keep doing drugs and living crazy deserve parenthood?

The answer is that deserving doesn't come into getting pregnant. There are great people, caring and dedicated to becoming wonderful parents, who never have a child. There are horrible people who only care about themselves, are abusive and hateful, who have a gaggle of kids. Even adoption isn't really about deserving, even though the system tries to say it is. (Trust me, I know enough adoptive parents to have seen that "deserving" only gets you the application.) Becoming a parent is a huge amount of luck. Maybe it is bad luck if you didn't want to be a parent or maybe it is the best luck in the world when you've been trying for 4 years and thousands (or tens of thousands for some people) of dollars of treatments. But ultimately that luck, that element of chance, is the biggest factor in whether or not you become a parent, deserving or not.

I am deserving. Monkey and I will make wonderful parents. We just have to hold out for our luck to change.