Preview of the end

Over the last few years, Monkey and I have drifted away from a specific group of friends. This included drifting away from attending any Jewish events because those friends were also part of the queer Jewish community here. We did this without talking about it or thinking about it too hard but both of us knew it was because of kids.

Monkey and I were the first in this group to start trying to get pregnant. Others started having kids either through birth or adoption. All of them had some struggle or another. One tried for 3 years and had a very tough pregnancy. Another did foster to adopt and had some very rough experiences. I just found out that another couple had a baby via IVF recently. I'm happy all of these people have now had a kid and settled into new family life. In the past five and a half years that we have been trying I've watched this group of friends go from zero kids to several. When Monkey and I started, everyone thought ours would be the first kid in the group. Now we are almost the only ones without kids. We are the only ones that wanted kids but don't have them.

I recently ran into one of this group at a store. We hadn't talked in well over a year. We chatted a bit. I could see in her eyes she wanted so badly to ask if we were still trying. That is when I realized what it would feel like socially to give up on trying. My city isn't very big, our Jewish community is small and our progressive community is downright tiny. Unless I completely stop attending Jewish events, I'm going to run into these families at some point. At some point after giving up I will have to start telling them we gave up. We, the first to start trying, were the ones left empty-handed. The thought of looking across the synagogue to all these friends with kids around them just makes something crack in my heart. It wasn't until I ran into this friend that I realized how hard the social aspect of giving up would be. It isn't just about telling them we couldn't have a kid. As nice and understanding as these people are some of them are going to say something that unintentionally cuts deep and I will have to deal with that, hopefully gracefully.

I haven't given up yet. I know that there is still a chance, small as it is, that I could get pregnant and have a child. There is a chance that Monkey and I will feel emotionally able to look into adoption if we don't have a kid. But because of how slim our chances are now, I can't help but wonder at this possible future.

Finally over

My gyn NP sent me in to get a blood test and an hour later the results were officially negative. Not even a tiny bit of HCG in me. So, this was all just a giant head-fuck courtesy of my little friend Clo.mid. Who knows what it did to mess up my cycle so much. I'm assuming it was a serious delay of ovulation but it could have also been jacking my corpus luteum up so much that it took awhile to let go. No matter the why the what is still the same: No pregnancy....again.

My cycle is so messed up I'm taking off the next cycle. I don't want to go through the stress of trying to plan timing when I really don't know what my body is doing. We have plans to do the first Clo.mid/trigger shot/IUI in Aug/Sept.

What little extra hope I had after the polyp removal is dwindling. I'm moving back to baseline, that place where I'm just going through the motions to check the final steps off my list. I'm not quite hopeless but I wouldn't say I'm all that hopeful.

Late...maybe.

I'm late...maybe. Or maybe I'm not. I have no fucking clue when I ovulated. I know I did because the progesterone test came back higher than I've ever gotten. I've tested and gotten 2 negative pregnancy tests. I have no clue what is going on. This is such a mindfuck. I just want to know, one way or the other. I hate not knowing when I thought I'd have known at least 3 days ago. I'm assuming that I'm not. That my period is just late. It happens. But I can't assume completely. I can't assume enough to have my usual bfn martini. Because I could be just too early. It happens. So which is it?

I've emailed my Gyn NP to ask her how late until I worry that something is wrong. If I hadn't been trying for 5 1/2 fucking years I think I'd have a little more patience. After this long, I think I've shown enough patience for a lifetime.

Clomid Crazy

Okay, so I exaggerate a bit. It actually hasn't been that bad. Well, I say it hasn't been that bad. My household may have a different opinion. I've asked and they say, very quickly, that it hasn't been as bad as previous Clomid cycles. I'm not sure if I believe them but, either way, I feel like I have a handle on the crazy hormone fluxes this time around.

I got my new FSH results. Four years ago, when I first got my FSH tested it was a 5. That is an excellent number for anyone at any age. Now, at 37 years old, my FSH is a 9. That is...fair. It is actually a pretty good number for some one my age. Still, my ovaries are showing my age a bit. I was ready for this result. I knew the statistics. I knew that my age, and the fact that I haven't gotten pregnant after all this time, is counting against me. Monkey, ever the optimist, had a bit of a shock. He's a medical professional so he really likes to grab on to hard results of scans and test. This is the first time we've gotten a test that clearly shows our window is closing. I've tried to tell him this. I've showed him the statistics on fertility over 35 years old but I think he always thought of me as outside of those numbers. When faced with a change from 5 to 9 in FSH over the last 4 years he was taken aback. There in the lab result was a hard fact about me, about our only available egg producer and womb. For the first time in the last 5 1/2 years of ttc it really hit him that I might not get pregnant. Suddenly my sense of urgency seemed more valid to him. Suddenly, he had the same sense of urgency. It also has added a touch of sadness to him that wasn't there before.

On one hand, I like that he is finally on the same page as me. When I say I don't want to wait too long to do the full clinic Clomid cycles he heartily agrees. He has even mentioned months a little before what I was thinking! On the other hand, it hurts to see his optimism fading. Yes, it is realistic and appropriate but I hate to see the sadness in his eyes when he thinks about never having a kid.

Well, statistics and realism aside, I'm not out yet. My FSH shows good ovarian reserve and my estrodiol was good too. My post-ovulation progesterone test is on Sunday so we will see if that is responding to the med as well. My polyps are gone and unlikely to come back rapidly. My donor was able to offer 3 donations this cycle and, even with the weirdness of Clomid, I think I got the timing right. And if it didn't happen this cycle, well we still have a few more over the summer. After that we still have our full on infertility clinic rounds. Who knows, we could get lucky finally. We both hold on to that.

On to the next

My period came a day after the bfn. Kinda late but there can be several reasonable explanations for that. I suspect it had something to do with the horrible antibiotics I've been on for the entire 2ww. I won't go into detail but they really did a number on my digestion. So, here I am at cycle day 2 with my packet of Clomid and my list of instructions for blood tests.

This feels familiar.

Even so, I'm not as down in the dumps as I thought I might be. I didn't cry when I got the bfn or my period. I was disappointed and somewhat annoyed but, in general, not crushed. I'm ready for the next one. I'm ready, more ready than I've ever been, for the Clomid Crazies. I'm ready for the series of blood draws, the OPKs, the frustratingly different fertility signs I get on Clomid and even for the possibility of bursting into tears if some one gets my coffee order wrong. I'm feeling strangely, wonderfully zen about it all. It may not stay but I'm going to enjoy the feeling while it is here.

Waiting for the end

I tested this morning and got to see yet another blank white window on the pee-stick. Another BFN. ::sigh:: I was secretly harboring some high hopes this time but I guess I was just fooling myself again.

I still haven't started bleeding so I'm waiting for that final end. I'm in limbo between a negative test and menstruation. I can't focus on the next try because everything is dependent on what day is cycle day 1. Also, even the most pessimistic ttc-er has that tiny bit of hope that maybe, just maybe, the test was wrong. Maybe the blood won't show and the next test will be positive. I can't help but wish that just a little but mostly I just want it to end so I can move forward.

The longest day of the 2ww

Today is the worst day of any 2 week wait. Today is the last day. My period is due tomorrow. I will be testing tomorrow. Today will be a long day.

I've become so much better about dealing with the ups and downs of trying to get pregnant and infertility but this last day is always hard, no matter how well I'm doing. Will I bleed? Are those menstrual cramps or pregnancy stretching cramps? Are my boobs more sore? If they are, is that a sign that I will or won't get my period. Every trip to the bathroom includes staring at the toilet paper after using it. Is that a spot of red I see or just a trick of the light? The last day of the 2ww takes so much energy.

If this cycle is a bust then I start my Clomid Challenge Test. Joy.