Mending heart

Over the last week or so I've notice something strange. When I see pregnant people, babies or young children I'm not struck in the heart with painful longing. Sometimes a little twinge of sadness but only for a moment. How did this come about? Is my heart mending from the last 5 years of infertility? That seems too simple to be true. I'm expecting the pain to return. I'm sure I will have bad days again. Days when the loss of my chance to parent will strike me so hard I can't breathe. But this last week has shown me I can have good days too. Someday, the good days will outnumber the bad. It is like my heart is giving me a little taste of healing to tell me I can return from the "land of IF" whole even without a child.

Leaves aren't the only thing changing

I think the biggest change is how I'm feeling about trying to get pregnant. As of right now we are planning to do one insem each cycle with Bee until early next year. Once we've saved up enough we will do my last two clinic infertility cycles. I'm already thinking beyond those cycles to giving up. Of course, I've been thinking about that for awhile but, well, I guess I'm making the assumption that they won't work. I don't expect to get pregnant but I have to try. I have to check it off the list so I don't feel regret sometime later. Grief I will feel no matter what I do but I don't want to have regrets.

As a result of my lack of hope, I'm feeling pretty detached from the process. This weekend starts my fertile period. We emailed the dates to Bee and he hasn't gotten back to us yet. I'm indifferent. We could do an insem this cycle or not. Monkey, however, is not making the "it won't work" assumption. He can't really think about after the infertility cycles to giving up. Though he says he would be fine to give up I don't think he ever imagined we'd get to this point. It isn't a real possibility in his mind yet. He truly believes that, somehow, between now and then I will get pregnant and have a baby. I don't believe that at all. As I said before, I'm only doing these last attempts so that I know in my heart and my mind that I did whatever I was capable of to get pregnant. If Monkey is right and I do get pregnant in this process I will be completely and utterly shocked. It will actually require me to shift my life view back to what it was before I lost hope. Well, some of it anyway. I rather like some of the downsizing ideas that have come out of planning a different life.

Monkey and I have always been on different stages in this ttc process. I always feel like I'm a step or two ahead of him in it. I guess that isn't unusual since it is my body we are working with. I have to think ahead every two weeks and beyond. He has less to do in the theoretical stages of becoming a parent this way. He is thinking about it more now because he is trying to prepare for the possibility that it really won't happen. It makes me sad to see him trying to hold back the grief. I know all too well what it feels like.

To a certain extent I'm just ready for this to be over. I consider the possibility of giving up before the IF cycles but only for a moment. I need that closure. I need that final option behind me to let go. So now I'm in a ttc limbo with nothing to do but go through the motions and wait to see what happens.

Thinking off the shelf

Sometimes wandering the internet aimlessly pays off!I found a clever kitchen organization tip while wandering Pintrest.

We are a snacking household. We love to nibble. Being on WW while being a snacking household is a challenge but we have found a bunch of low "point" tasty noms. However, a bunch of little snacks make for a jumble of half filled boxes and random things lost in the back of the shelf. I've tried various ways to keep these snacks organized but nothing works for long. So when I found this clever little idea I rushed right out to get what I needed.

TADA!


This is a clear plastic, over the door, shoe organizer used to hold all our little nibbles along with our c-drink and ginger drink packets. We can now see and find everything. No more digging through piles for something and no more reaching for a box to find it is empty. Currently it is on our kitchen door out to the hall but I may move it to the back of the pantry door since I've already opened the door on Author while he was deciding on a snack. Whichever door it is on it has already make things much easier!

The beginning of the end of another beginning.

October marks five years of my life focused on trying to get pregnant. I've had a few long breaks in those years. One break was almost a whole year its self. However the thoughts, emotions and planning of ttc was never very far off even on the breaks.

October also brings my 37th birthday. About a year and a half ago I decided that 37 was a good age to seriously reconsider continuing the babyquest.

Monday I got an email from our donor, Bee, saying that his life has been taking some crazy stressful turns. As a result, though he would really like to continue helping us, he can only do it if we are able to do a "more targeted approach". We have yet to hear from him exactly what he means by that. We assume it means doing one insemination a cycle. Though I do not blame him for the sudden turn in his life (a big part of it is a family illness) I'm still very disappointed. I really thought things were set for a good long try with this donor.

So all of these things hit me at once. The five year anniversary of our first ttc cycle, my 37th birthday in a few weeks and my donor limiting access unexpectedly. Usually when setbacks hit me on this ttc journey I bounce back, after a "life is fucking unfair why can't I have a baby" tantrum, with an adjusted course on the quest. This time was a little different. This time I didn't have the tantrum, though I did end up crying a little. This time I started to wonder "Is it time to start thinking about giving up"? I've never thought this particular thing before. I've thought about what it would mean to give up. I've even wondered how I would know when it was the right time to give up. However, this is the first time I've actually thought "is it time"? I feel like this is a sign that the time for giving up is getting closer.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up yet. Monkey and I have decided that, for now, we will keep trying with Bee until January. At that time we will do our last two Clo.mid/trigger/IUI cycles available to us. After that, well, I'm starting to explore the other possible ending of my ttc journey. The one that doesn't end with the birth of a baby. I've mentioned before that adoption would be, at best, complicated if not impossible due to my open poly household. I'm not sure I want to go through that. As a result, most of what I'm considering is what my life would be like if I don't become a parent.

How would I feel about that in the long term? I know in the short term I would be heartbroken and grieving but I would work through that. When I hit menopause would I regret giving up before my cycles did? Would I always have that knife to the heart feeling when I see babies? Would I regret not jumping through all the hoops to attempt adoption? I'm big on researching. I went hunting for books and blogs on living childfree after infertility. There are very few that exist. Even fewer are available at my, usually well stocked, county library. I know there are lots of people who go through infertility and don't end up with a baby at the end. Where are all their stories? It feels rather lonely in this place in between giving up and going on.

One person's trash...

As my household clears out our mounds of built-up stuff Monkey has started checking on Ebay if our outgoing items are worth anything. While looking at, what I think of as a pile of junk, I laughed at his efforts and went back to sorting. The books I could see being worth some trade-in credit at Powell's and maybe we could find some specialty vinyl record store that wanted some of our three boxes of inherited records but the rest... Well, Monkey ignored me and went on checking. Most of what he was checking on was outdated tech. Who wants a zip drive nowadays in the time of 4g thumb drives cheep at every store? It seems some one does, along with a lot of other odds and ends that we have no use for. So far it looks like we may make enough to fund our last vacation of the season coming next week.

This is especially fortunate as predictions of a bad winter to come have been starting to pop up. As a result, we are shelling out on a whole cord of wood as well as preparing to go through a lot more heating oil.

I will never doubt the interest of some one else wanting what I'm getting rid of. I'm hoping these things are going to people who will use them rather than junk up someone else's life.

My hero

My primary partner, Monkey, works in community mental health. He does a very, very difficult job with, sometimes very, ill patients on a very tight budget. He hears horrible stories of abuse and neglect from the histories of many of his clients. Sometimes they take out their pain on him by yelling and threatening him. Sometimes, thankfully rare, he loses clients to suicide or overdose. He goes through this every day at the office. Every day he gets up and goes back again for more. He does it because he loves his job. He cares about these people who no one else are helping. He believes that each client has the ability, with some help, to be stable, happy, sober, whatever. When he worked exclusively in addictions he always believed that if some one blew out of treatment that they would come back and, next time, they would succeed at getting sober. Every. Single. Time. Monkey is one of my heroes. How he manages to have worked in community mental health for the past 12 years and not become jaded and bitter has always amazed me.

He posted on his own blog yesterday about his work. You can read it here. He is an amazing guy, my Monkey. I'm so proud of who he is and the work he does. :)

Downsizing

I liked to think I'm not much of a "stuff" person. However, I looked around my house a few months ago and realized that it was packed to the rafters with, well, stuff! When Monkey and I moved into the house we rattled around in it like two marbles in a pickle jar. It was amazing to have so much space. We thought we'd never fill it up. It is now several years later and we have certainly managed to pack in the stuff. I am told this happens to everyone when you settle down in one place for long enough.

I hate feeling crowded. I feel mentally bloated. By current American standards, I have a small-ish house, however, I look around and feel like this should be more than enough space. Compared to other societies, this is an obscene amount of space. I feel like I'm being wasteful simply by using up space for what is essentially junk. My attic, basement and garage are full of stuff that no one has looked at for a year or more. (To be fair, the garage is mostly Author's stuff that he has been going through to minimize his own collection of stuff.) Do I really need any of this? For the most part the answer is no.

So Monkey and I are going on a stuff diet. Our goal is clear out all of our junk-hiding corners and maximize our use of space through organization. We are also being much more mindful of what we think we need to buy. This part is less of a problem for him as it is for me. I've practicing small amounts of retail therapy because of my trouble getting pregnant. (Didn't get a bfp this month? Buy a new whatever to feel better.) The problem is "small amounts" add up, put strain on our finances and fill our house with little bits of needless stuff. So I'm becoming more mindful about what I want to buy.

The stuff purge got us thinking about what we really wanted in our life. We are wondering if home-ownership was really the right path for us. Did we get the house just because that is what adults are supposed to want? Are we actually more urban-living type people than we thought? Would be be happier renting a nice apartment or townhouse in a more urban setting? It is too soon in this downsizing project to answer those questions but they are under consideration. We have giving ourselves 2 years to downsize our stuff, catch up with house maintenance and tighten up our budget. (This time will also "downsize" our pet population since I do believe that a couple of our elderly animals won't last beyond that. I love every one of my pets and will be sad when they pass away. However, I never intended to have quite so many.) Then we will reconsider our feelings about being home-owners.

We've already started the downsizing project by going through our clothes that no longer fit due to our physical downsizing. (Monkey, Author and I have lost over 120lb as a household so far!) It felt amazing to ruthlessly cull our clothes and get all those piles of stuff our of our drawers and closet. I'm about half way through minimizing my knitting/sewing/craft stuff as well. Downsizing is fun!