Donor Disappointment

There is nothing that drags me down like looking for a known donor. Every time we do it we have to wade through a swamp of horrid responses but those aren't the worst. The really terrible responses are actually kind of entertaining and, at the very least, are easy to spot and discard. Next are the responses who are outside our, clearly mentioned, age range (20-45) or are not in our area. Then we usually are down to a handful of people we will actually contact.

This is where I really end up getting my faith in people tested. There is always one who thinks that asking if some one is disease-free equals practicing safer sex. Then there is one who is just now realizing that the part of the ad where we say "you must be willing to sign a legal document to relinquish your parental rights to the child so the non-bio partner can do a second-parent adoption" that we really do mean you are expected to sign a legal document...with your name. No, you can't just not tell me your name. My kid needs support and health insurance that Monkey can provide but only if he is allowed to adopt the damn kid and he can't do that unless you sign away your claim of parental rights! (Can you tell this last issue is the one that we ran into last night?) These two are the most common issues we run into. Usually, it wipes the list clean and we have to start all over again. However, things can get stranger. I had one potential donor crossed off because we go.o.gled him (yes, we go.o.gle all our donors) and found out he was convicted of a felony and lots of shady dealings.

::Sigh:: There are still a few guys on the list that might pan out. I'm not terribly hopeful.

This is our last cycle out of the game. If we don't have a new donor by my next CD1 then we are going back to donor boy and his severe lack of communication and very limited schedule. I suppose I should be thankful I even have that. I just really miss my first known donor.

A break in the heartbreak

(but my heart is still sore.)

I started my period on Friday. (Which was also my 11 year anniversary with Monkey. Sucks to start that day but at least I got to have a martini!) I was pretty sure this was a no-go cycle anyway since the timing was all wrong due to donor boy not getting back to us until after I think I ovulated. Still, strange things happen in ttc so you gotta wait and see. I waited, saw blood and had a drink.

So now I'm officially on another break from ttc. We are in talks with a couple different potential donors, still some not quite local. We are thinking of using donor boy on months when the "out of area" donor might not be practical. But this month is for me to kick back and enjoy not having to think about when I might be ovulating or if I could be pregnant. Weird.

I keep wondering what it will take. What will it take to find a donor that doesn't make this more stressful than it already is? What will it take to get and keep me pregnant? What will it take for me to give up trying? What will it take to give up this dream?

What will it take? I wish I knew. If I knew the answers to the first two questions I would have the key to having a child. If I knew the answer to the second two questions I would at least know how much longer I'd be on this heartbreaking road. But I don't have the answers and I never really will. The worse part of this whole thing is not having the answers. No one knows why I haven't gotten/stayed pregnant yet. All I know is that no one can find anything obviously wrong.

I'm beyond tired of not knowing.

Hey? Where'd you go?

Okay, so a small plea made me stick around the dreaded LJ for the rest of 2010. What can I say, I'm a sucker for a plea from a pregnant boy who was only going to post about his baby's birth locked to friends on LJ. I had to follow up with that. But now the dear boy's little one is passed the squishy 4th trimester part, where they look a little like bubble gum and act a bit like luggage that can eat, poop and cry. That is where I step off. So I'm back to the blog I intended to start so long (okay only about 8 months) ago.

Getting up to speed:

1)Donor boy proves too busy and non-communicative to accommodate a four day fertile window. Last cycle was last straw.

2)Taking a break from current donor boy to look for new sperm guy.

3)Started dealing seriously with food issues. Doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for disordered eating and joined WW to deal with weight. (Lost 20lb so far.)

4)My depression is finally well-controlled, revealing a problematic anxiety disorder. I'm like a mental illness parfait! Dealing with that now...slowly.

Still not pregnant. Still angry about that. Still fat but getting less so. Still a housequeer and boy wonder for my household. Still here.

In line for the roller coaster

Tonight is the first insemination of my new start after the, almost, 9 month ttc break. (No, really, this time things are ready...I hope.) Donor boy should be coming over this evening after dinner for our first, and only, insemination of this cycle. Perfect timing too because I'm showing fertility signs out the...well, not the ass but you know what I mean.

I feel like I'm in line for a roller coaster I've been on a million times before. I know what to expect because I've been on these rails before. I'm filled with a mix of apprehension and excitement. There will be scary parts and exhilarating parts, sometimes both together. I'm hoping it will end with the scary/exhilarating rather than disappointment that it is over. Either way, I'm in line and about to get on. Here we go.