At 37 years old I am solidly in the "elderly" category for a woman trying to get pregnant. I started this journey at 32 years old. A year later we did the basic infertility work up and found nothing wrong. "Keep trying" I was told "sometimes the mystery resolves itself". Now I'm back in infertility treatment and the basic work up has some different weight to it. Now there is an "age factor" to my infertility. Though the work up is exactly the same the focus is different enough. Looking at my FSH at 33 years old is to make sure something isn't "wrong" with me. Looking at my FSH at 37 years old is to see how far the natural aging of my reproductive system has gotten and if it is enough to have me give up then and there.
So I'm going in for a pelvic ultrasound to make sure there are still no masses in my uterus and my ovaries look normal. Then I'm doing a Clom.id challenge test, without insemination, and blood work to see if my body can still get poked and prodded into making some decent eggs or if my laying days are over and it is time for the soup pot.
It feels strange. I've had these tests before, nothing surprising. This time, however, the results will decide if those last two IF cycles are worth a try or if I'm already out of the baby-making game. Stranger still, I'm not sure which result I'm hoping for anymore.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Remembering Mom
Six years ago today my mother committed suicide. She felt trapped, hopeless and completely helpless to change her situation. My mom was in so much pain, physical and psychological, that death seemed the only option.
I'm not going to pretend my mom was all wonderful. She had her faults. We didn't get along and she sure as hell fucked me up in some ways. I still have some pretty strange body image issues and "work through the pain" ideas that are completely hers. However, she also taught me to be independent and strong. She accepted and loved me when I came out as queer, supported my polyamorous relationships and could care less if I made a lot of money as long as I was happy. All things considered, she wasn't horrible, just a flawed human being like the rest of us.
She thought that her death wouldn't matter. She thought I wouldn't care if she killed herself. She thought that my brother and I would be better off without her. I think a lot of people who attempt/commit suicide think that. It is NEVER true. Her suicide is a horrible legacy that she has left my brother and I. It will always be a part of us now. Not just her death but the fact that she took her own life, choosing to leave T and I behind to deal with the confusion, guilt, feelings of betrayal and anger that is part of every suicide survivor's inheritance.
As some one who has suffered with clinical depression all my life I know how tempting the though of suicide can be. What always stopped me was the thought of how it would effect the people who I left behind. I couldn't do that to my mom, my brother, my friends and lovers. Now that I know first hand what if feels like to be the one left behind I wish I could prevent it from happening to anyone ever again.
So this is in the memory of my mom, Colleen, and in honor of all of us that were left to pick up the pieces after a loved one commits suicide.
If you are considering suicide please hear me when I say that it isn't your only option. Somethings can be fixed, somethings can heal. You can and will feel better than this someday. Some one cares about you even if you don't realize it. Reach out and get help. Please try.
GET HELP!
Global: International Association for Suicide Prevention has information for crisis centers all over the world.
In the US: National Suicide Prevention Lifetime or Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
In Canada: Centre for Suicide Prevention
I'm not going to pretend my mom was all wonderful. She had her faults. We didn't get along and she sure as hell fucked me up in some ways. I still have some pretty strange body image issues and "work through the pain" ideas that are completely hers. However, she also taught me to be independent and strong. She accepted and loved me when I came out as queer, supported my polyamorous relationships and could care less if I made a lot of money as long as I was happy. All things considered, she wasn't horrible, just a flawed human being like the rest of us.
She thought that her death wouldn't matter. She thought I wouldn't care if she killed herself. She thought that my brother and I would be better off without her. I think a lot of people who attempt/commit suicide think that. It is NEVER true. Her suicide is a horrible legacy that she has left my brother and I. It will always be a part of us now. Not just her death but the fact that she took her own life, choosing to leave T and I behind to deal with the confusion, guilt, feelings of betrayal and anger that is part of every suicide survivor's inheritance.
As some one who has suffered with clinical depression all my life I know how tempting the though of suicide can be. What always stopped me was the thought of how it would effect the people who I left behind. I couldn't do that to my mom, my brother, my friends and lovers. Now that I know first hand what if feels like to be the one left behind I wish I could prevent it from happening to anyone ever again.
So this is in the memory of my mom, Colleen, and in honor of all of us that were left to pick up the pieces after a loved one commits suicide.
If you are considering suicide please hear me when I say that it isn't your only option. Somethings can be fixed, somethings can heal. You can and will feel better than this someday. Some one cares about you even if you don't realize it. Reach out and get help. Please try.
GET HELP!
Global: International Association for Suicide Prevention has information for crisis centers all over the world.
In the US: National Suicide Prevention Lifetime or Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
In Canada: Centre for Suicide Prevention
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