Reminder of failure

Every now and then something reminds me of that horrible, confusing day when I found out I had miscarried (before I even knew I was pregnant.) Today I had a kind of flashback to that experience.

I'm on CD 6 and I'm still spotting. Usually I'm completely done after CD4. The same thing happened the cycle I conceived/miscarried. I didn't try to test until CD8 back then and I only tested to rule it out before I bugged my NP about it. I never expected it to come up positive and knew from the start that it was a miscarriage. This is not what I think is happening now.

I'm losing weight, my body is changing. That is likely what is happening this time. But the similarity to that experience brings up the memories and conflicted feelings of that time. I was years ago now. I've been on this journey so long, experienced so much...but never the one thing I'm doing all of this for, the joy of a viable pregnancy.

A break in the heartbreak

(but my heart is still sore.)

I started my period on Friday. (Which was also my 11 year anniversary with Monkey. Sucks to start that day but at least I got to have a martini!) I was pretty sure this was a no-go cycle anyway since the timing was all wrong due to donor boy not getting back to us until after I think I ovulated. Still, strange things happen in ttc so you gotta wait and see. I waited, saw blood and had a drink.

So now I'm officially on another break from ttc. We are in talks with a couple different potential donors, still some not quite local. We are thinking of using donor boy on months when the "out of area" donor might not be practical. But this month is for me to kick back and enjoy not having to think about when I might be ovulating or if I could be pregnant. Weird.

I keep wondering what it will take. What will it take to find a donor that doesn't make this more stressful than it already is? What will it take to get and keep me pregnant? What will it take for me to give up trying? What will it take to give up this dream?

What will it take? I wish I knew. If I knew the answers to the first two questions I would have the key to having a child. If I knew the answer to the second two questions I would at least know how much longer I'd be on this heartbreaking road. But I don't have the answers and I never really will. The worse part of this whole thing is not having the answers. No one knows why I haven't gotten/stayed pregnant yet. All I know is that no one can find anything obviously wrong.

I'm beyond tired of not knowing.

The old pet home

Last December I unexpectedly lost one of my dogs. Bug was the younger of my two senior pups so I wasn't really prepared for it to be her to go first. A massive infection took over her body slowly. The only symptom was her not acting "quite right." We had been in and out of the vet several times over the final three months. It was the kind of thing that is hard to find in regular dogs but nearly impossible to catch early in small dogs. (Bug was a long-hair chihuahua.) By the time we knew what we were dealing with it was killing her quickly. She wouldn't have even been strong enough to bring into surgery to cut out the infection. I chose to put her to sleep to end the pain she was now experiencing. It was sad and difficult but I know I did right by my little Bug-a-boo.

I still have my 12 year old chiweenie pup, Pepper. (That is a chihuahua/doxie mix. I swear, no one should ever breed this kind of dog on purpose. They are so weird.) I also have 3 cats (a 4th cat belongs to my secondary partner, Author.) This means that regular vet visits continue. It is time for every one's 6 month check ups. But this is the first time I'll be going back to the vet's office since I was there to say goodbye to Bug. The vet and team were awesome to Bug and my family. I love that place and have absolutely no issue with them caring for the remaining pack of furry-butts. I'm just a little nervous about going there and feeling sad.

It is already reminding me that Pepper is 12. That is pretty damn old for her breed combo. If we are lucky and really good about health care (which we are) Pepper could have, maybe 3 more years. 15 years old for a chiweenie is old but possible. She already has half of her teeth pulled or fallen out. But she is also non-stop happy and bouncy.

Then there is my other 12 year old animal, Isis. I got Pepper as a rescue adult dog 8 years ago, but Isis I've had since she was a kitten. That cat has been with me through so many changes in my life. She is one of those cats, though, that will live until she is distilled down into essence of cat and then wisp into smoke one day and be gone. I expect her to be one of those "Yeah, she's 20 now. Seems to otherworldly to actually die so she is still with us" kind of cats.

Monkey's (that is my primary partner) cat, Fiend, is a year younger than Isis. He has "Ishoos." Skin allergies, food allergies, severe flea allergy, arthritis. Plus he is the oddest cat I've ever met. We call him "alien-kitty." Even with all his issues he seems to be trotting right along in life. I don't worry about losing him soon.

Then there is the baby. Our only young animal in the house. (Even Author's cat is over 10 years old.) Zeek is about 3 or 4 years old. (I'd have to look it up.) She is the Kittiest Kitty that ever Kittied a Kitty. She is a Mainecoon but one of the smaller females. She will see all of the pets in the house she came to as a kitten eventually pass away. After Bug died she seemed to be looking for her a bit. Bug loved cats and used to play with Zeek a lot. Zeek is very social. I feel like the aging and passing of the other cats will be traumatic for her. I've already assumed that we will have to replace each cat as the die in order to keep Zeek happy. (However, we established we will have a 3 cat and 1 dog household cap now. I'm pretty determined to stick to that.)

Over all, I know that in the next 5 years all but Zeek will likely be gone. Bug was just the first of this phase. Soon we will suddenly have a house of young cats. The dog will be an adult adoption but likely not a senior just yet. A house full of young animals just seems so strange right now. We are the old pet home with a young "therapy kitty" helping us out. (Seriously, she really does act as a rec director at a senior center.)

I love my pets. They keep me sane, especially while dealing with infertility. Speaking of my furry-butts, it is time to walk the dog then give her a quick bath. Got to look nice for the vet tomorrow!

Hey? Where'd you go?

Okay, so a small plea made me stick around the dreaded LJ for the rest of 2010. What can I say, I'm a sucker for a plea from a pregnant boy who was only going to post about his baby's birth locked to friends on LJ. I had to follow up with that. But now the dear boy's little one is passed the squishy 4th trimester part, where they look a little like bubble gum and act a bit like luggage that can eat, poop and cry. That is where I step off. So I'm back to the blog I intended to start so long (okay only about 8 months) ago.

Getting up to speed:

1)Donor boy proves too busy and non-communicative to accommodate a four day fertile window. Last cycle was last straw.

2)Taking a break from current donor boy to look for new sperm guy.

3)Started dealing seriously with food issues. Doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for disordered eating and joined WW to deal with weight. (Lost 20lb so far.)

4)My depression is finally well-controlled, revealing a problematic anxiety disorder. I'm like a mental illness parfait! Dealing with that now...slowly.

Still not pregnant. Still angry about that. Still fat but getting less so. Still a housequeer and boy wonder for my household. Still here.