Clomid Crazy

Okay, so I exaggerate a bit. It actually hasn't been that bad. Well, I say it hasn't been that bad. My household may have a different opinion. I've asked and they say, very quickly, that it hasn't been as bad as previous Clomid cycles. I'm not sure if I believe them but, either way, I feel like I have a handle on the crazy hormone fluxes this time around.

I got my new FSH results. Four years ago, when I first got my FSH tested it was a 5. That is an excellent number for anyone at any age. Now, at 37 years old, my FSH is a 9. That is...fair. It is actually a pretty good number for some one my age. Still, my ovaries are showing my age a bit. I was ready for this result. I knew the statistics. I knew that my age, and the fact that I haven't gotten pregnant after all this time, is counting against me. Monkey, ever the optimist, had a bit of a shock. He's a medical professional so he really likes to grab on to hard results of scans and test. This is the first time we've gotten a test that clearly shows our window is closing. I've tried to tell him this. I've showed him the statistics on fertility over 35 years old but I think he always thought of me as outside of those numbers. When faced with a change from 5 to 9 in FSH over the last 4 years he was taken aback. There in the lab result was a hard fact about me, about our only available egg producer and womb. For the first time in the last 5 1/2 years of ttc it really hit him that I might not get pregnant. Suddenly my sense of urgency seemed more valid to him. Suddenly, he had the same sense of urgency. It also has added a touch of sadness to him that wasn't there before.

On one hand, I like that he is finally on the same page as me. When I say I don't want to wait too long to do the full clinic Clomid cycles he heartily agrees. He has even mentioned months a little before what I was thinking! On the other hand, it hurts to see his optimism fading. Yes, it is realistic and appropriate but I hate to see the sadness in his eyes when he thinks about never having a kid.

Well, statistics and realism aside, I'm not out yet. My FSH shows good ovarian reserve and my estrodiol was good too. My post-ovulation progesterone test is on Sunday so we will see if that is responding to the med as well. My polyps are gone and unlikely to come back rapidly. My donor was able to offer 3 donations this cycle and, even with the weirdness of Clomid, I think I got the timing right. And if it didn't happen this cycle, well we still have a few more over the summer. After that we still have our full on infertility clinic rounds. Who knows, we could get lucky finally. We both hold on to that.

On to the next

My period came a day after the bfn. Kinda late but there can be several reasonable explanations for that. I suspect it had something to do with the horrible antibiotics I've been on for the entire 2ww. I won't go into detail but they really did a number on my digestion. So, here I am at cycle day 2 with my packet of Clomid and my list of instructions for blood tests.

This feels familiar.

Even so, I'm not as down in the dumps as I thought I might be. I didn't cry when I got the bfn or my period. I was disappointed and somewhat annoyed but, in general, not crushed. I'm ready for the next one. I'm ready, more ready than I've ever been, for the Clomid Crazies. I'm ready for the series of blood draws, the OPKs, the frustratingly different fertility signs I get on Clomid and even for the possibility of bursting into tears if some one gets my coffee order wrong. I'm feeling strangely, wonderfully zen about it all. It may not stay but I'm going to enjoy the feeling while it is here.

Waiting for the end

I tested this morning and got to see yet another blank white window on the pee-stick. Another BFN. ::sigh:: I was secretly harboring some high hopes this time but I guess I was just fooling myself again.

I still haven't started bleeding so I'm waiting for that final end. I'm in limbo between a negative test and menstruation. I can't focus on the next try because everything is dependent on what day is cycle day 1. Also, even the most pessimistic ttc-er has that tiny bit of hope that maybe, just maybe, the test was wrong. Maybe the blood won't show and the next test will be positive. I can't help but wish that just a little but mostly I just want it to end so I can move forward.

The longest day of the 2ww

Today is the worst day of any 2 week wait. Today is the last day. My period is due tomorrow. I will be testing tomorrow. Today will be a long day.

I've become so much better about dealing with the ups and downs of trying to get pregnant and infertility but this last day is always hard, no matter how well I'm doing. Will I bleed? Are those menstrual cramps or pregnancy stretching cramps? Are my boobs more sore? If they are, is that a sign that I will or won't get my period. Every trip to the bathroom includes staring at the toilet paper after using it. Is that a spot of red I see or just a trick of the light? The last day of the 2ww takes so much energy.

If this cycle is a bust then I start my Clomid Challenge Test. Joy.

Poor little Frankenkitty!

A few months back we noticed that my eldest cat, Isis, was slowly growing a lump under the skin on her forehead. We had the vet check it back in December. She recommended we have it removed and sent to a lab. We had time to save up for the surgery since it was so slow growing. We had the lump removed last week and it went very smoothly. Still, my poor kitty came home with a huge suture covering most of the top of her skull. They wanted to remove past the borders of the mass just in case it turned out to be malignant. They did a great job with nice tight stitches. We just had her recheck this morning and they say she will be ready to have them removed next week.

In the 13 years I've had Isis she has never needed anything but a couple teeth removed. She was spayed and healed up before I adopted her. She's never even been sick. This would be my first time seeing her in recovery. I don't "speak cat" though I love my felines dearly. Seeing her the first night with the fresh sutures and doped up high on pain killers I was near frantic with worry. The other cats have all had issues before. Zeek was spayed after we adopted her. Fiend is a bundle of health issues. I "speak dog" so I know instantly how dogs are doing even if I don't know exactly what's wrong. I had no idea what a distressed Isis would look like. Thankfully, Author is an old hand at nursing recovering cats. That first night I hovered over my cat while Author watched Isis and reassured me that all was going very well. Another win for the combined skills of a poly household!