Polyps-be-gone

I am in love with my nurse anesthetist. My whole surgical team was fab but he really made my experience a million times more comforting. He came in to ask me the same questions as everyone else for the millionth time. (Since I know exactly why they do that so I don't get annoyed like some patients do.) When I told him I'd rather do deep sedation than general anesthesia he asked me if there was a particular reason. When I told him about my horrible experience with general when I was 12 years old he seemed horrified. He immediately left the computer terminal he was working on and came to kneel by my bed. He told me that he could tell from my description what drug was used and they administered it way too soon. He told me he doesn't use that drug at all. He carefully described what he does now, how it will feel and that he will be able to tell if I'm in any discomfort. I felt completely reassured. I trusted him and the rest of the team to take very good care of me.

I don't remember the surgery at all, though there was a chance I might remember something. I dreamed about the BBC Sherlock series reboot while I was sedated. I don't remember what exactly I dreamed but I remember being quite entertained. I woke up kind of fuzzy headed and took awhile to really get back to reality. I was sore and a little crampy but not a lot. My cramps got worse later on in the day but I had plenty of pain med options and got it under control. All in all it was a very positive experience.

It turns out there were actually 3 polyps in there. The one we could see on the ultrasound was just the easiest to see. The second polyp was almost as big as the one we knew of but shaped and positioned in a way that would make it difficult to see any other way but with hysteroscopy. The third one was a tiny one just starting to form. He didn't even need to snip that one as it disintegrated when he started to try to remove it. After he was sure they were all removed he did a D&C to clear out the lining. He said that this should really make a difference in the changes in bleeding I've been noticing. He also said he really hopes "things work out" for me. (We couldn't actually say that the main reason for this was fertility since it wouldn't have been covered by my insurance but everyone knew that was my main reason.)

Knowing that there were 3 polyps crowding in my uterus, two of which were big enough to cause breaks in my lining, I feel pretty confident that this could be the cause of my infertility the last few years. That doesn't leave a lot of room for anything to implant comfortably. Dr. M said I could start trying again after I have one normal period.

I'm not sure what comes next. I'm not sure if we will try a medicated cycle first. All I know is that I'm more hopeful now than I've been in a very long time.

Fears and hopes

My surgery to remove the polyp in my uterus is Monday. I've had my pre-op exam and instructions have been given. It didn't seem very real until my pre-op yesterday. Now it seems to hang in front of me full of hope and fear.

Fear because I'm not accustom to medical procedures, even minor ones like this one. I'm a pretty hail and hardy person. The last time I had any kind of surgery it was to remove my tonsillitis when I was 12. Monkey has been doing his best put me at ease. He was a very sickly child and his life has been filled with surgeries and procedures of varying seriousness. (The fact that he is so healthy now is a testament to how hard people worked to get him that way when he was a child.) Compared to the things he has been through this is nothing but I'm still a little nervous. The pre-op helped to calm me. I like to know everything, all the little details, and the surgeon was happy to talk me through it all. Between Dr. M, Monkey, and Author the fear has been dimmed down to a dull anxiety which seems perfectly manageable all things considered.

I think the thing I fear the most, really, is the hope this brings. After five years of trying, and failing, to get pregnant and never knowing why that might be I finally have a possible explanation. With that explanation comes a rather easy possible fix of the problem. This may be what has been getting in the way of a pregnancy. After this I'll be heading back into ttc-land with a fresh start. A truly fresh start with a cleaned out lining, a lower weight than a few years ago and a much better handle on my mental health. I'm afraid to hope too much. This may not be the reason I'm not getting pregnant. I may start ttc after this procedure and spend the next year on the same disappointing roller coaster that I've ridden for the last five years.

But, maybe...just maybe I will finally get that elusive prize. I have to hope, no matter how much I fear that hope. What else can I do? I'm just not quite ready to give up on this dream just yet.