On a lighter note...

As sad and painful as the subject of my last post was my life goes on. I worked hard for this life so I'm going to enjoy the little happy things when I have them.

So, on a lighter note...

I'm lighter again! I've reached my latest weight loss goal. I have now lost 10% of my starting body weight. Studies have shown that, if you are overweight or obese losing 5%-10% of your body weight results in markedly improved health. Even if I stopped here I will have added years to my life. Of course, I'm not stopping here. I'm on a roll! I'll never be what is considered "optimal" weight for my height/age, I've done too much damage to myself to get that low again, but I can get much closer than I am now.

It is crazy how much my life has changed over the last six months. The proper medication treatment for my depression and anxiety have given me a completely different quality of life than I ever thought possible. My cognitive behavioral therapy program for my disordered eating has worked better than I could imagine. The WW program has been simple to adjust to and given better results that I expected. My family is doing well. My pets are healthy. We have some good potential donors and, if those don't work out, I can still go back to my old donor boy. I keep looking around in awe at how freaking good my life is. Some of it is chance, dumb luck, but some of it I've worked damn hard on to change. I'm proud of myself. ::does a happy little bear dance::

::whispering:: shhhh...i don't want to say this too loud or think about this too much but i also know that, sometimes, losing 10% of your body weight if obese results in increased fertility. there are a lot of studies showing that unexplained infertility in obese women mysteriously resolve when they lose about 10% of the original weight. could i be that lucky? could this actually make the difference that we can't seem to find any other way? this isn't why i chose to lose weight but it would be the best unexpected side effect. ::crossing fingers::

Those left behind.

When you lose some one to suicide the news of another suicide, if you know the person or not, brings up the emotions of the original loss. (Background: My mom committed suicide in December 2005.)

Sadly, it has happened twice since she died. The first time was a year after her death. We were regulars at a family owned and run coffeehouse in our neighborhood. They shut down for a week and we found out then that one of their adult sons had committed suicide. I had never met this man but it doesn't matter. Suicide is always a tragedy, whether you know the person or not. A couple weeks later I overheard another son, who worked regularly at the coffeehouse, telling the story of his brother's death to a friend of the family while sitting in the cafe. I started to cry thinking of the pain my brother and I went through with our mom's death and knowing that this family was going through the same thing.

It has happened again and I am feeling the same heartache. This time the person is on the other side of the world. I never met him or even ever replied to anything he said on social media but I followed one of his twitter accounts because he was funny, snarky and a part of the Nine Inch Nails fan community. He attempted suicide a couple months back and tweeted his goodbyes before doing it. It triggered a world-wide response from his NIN fan friends, some of whom knew local family that could act. He was found and saved. He seemed to be getting better. The word has gone out in the community that he succeeded in killing himself two days ago. Watching the community respond with confusion, sadness and anger is like watching my thoughts from my mom's death scroll by on Twitter.

You never really heal from a friend or a family member committing suicide. It is always a part of you. My heart aches for this man's children, his family, his friends and the whole close-knit NIN community. We are all scarred when some one commits suicide.

If you have stumbled on this post and are in a dark place please get help. Go here: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). It is free and always available. If not for yourself then for the people who love you and, trust me, some one loves you. There is hope on the other side of depression. I've been there, I got help, I found a way out of the darkness. You can too.

If you lost some one to suicide and want to talk to people who understand I suggest here: www.afsp.org. It continues to help me deal with the issues that come up about my mother's suicide. You never really get over it but you can learn to make peace with being one of those left behind in the aftermath of suicide.

Stranger in the mirror

Sometimes changes happen so fast you can't help but notice them. Sometimes changes happen so slow you barely notice...until suddenly you notice it all at once. I think the slow changes are somehow more shocking.

I was wearing a pair of last year's shorts for the first time since losing weight. I had smaller jeans in my wardrobe that I've started wearing as they fit again so I haven't noticed really baggy jeans. My shorts are replaced each summer so I only have the size I wore last spring. (I'm very hard on my shorts and they aren't exactly made to last.) The size I have is a couple sizes too big now. The two pairs I have left from last summer just happened to be slightly smaller in the waist than most of my old shorts and so barely stay on without a belt and hang off my hips.

I was rushing passed a mirror in a grocery store bathroom when I saw myself out of the corner of my eye. I did a double-take. The fabric at my butt was sagging so much I checked my button and fly to see if it had come undone. I knew they were loose. I knew that shorts shopping this year would involve smaller sizes but I didn't really know it. I'm not sure how else to describe it. Seeing my ass, or more precisely not seeing my ass, in that mirror really brought it home to me. My body is changing. I'm smaller now than I've been in years and I've barely started. It makes me wonder what it will be like when, in October, I pull out my winter clothes that I'm packing away now. Will I be just as shocked as I slip into a sweater and find it sagging off me?

Of course, maybe I'll be lucky and next October I'll be searching for the biggest items I have to accommodated a growing baby belly. One way or another, my winter clothes will be fitting differently. Though I am enjoying being a smaller size, I really hope that winter finds me shopping for maternity pants rather than smaller jeans.

Donor Disappointment

There is nothing that drags me down like looking for a known donor. Every time we do it we have to wade through a swamp of horrid responses but those aren't the worst. The really terrible responses are actually kind of entertaining and, at the very least, are easy to spot and discard. Next are the responses who are outside our, clearly mentioned, age range (20-45) or are not in our area. Then we usually are down to a handful of people we will actually contact.

This is where I really end up getting my faith in people tested. There is always one who thinks that asking if some one is disease-free equals practicing safer sex. Then there is one who is just now realizing that the part of the ad where we say "you must be willing to sign a legal document to relinquish your parental rights to the child so the non-bio partner can do a second-parent adoption" that we really do mean you are expected to sign a legal document...with your name. No, you can't just not tell me your name. My kid needs support and health insurance that Monkey can provide but only if he is allowed to adopt the damn kid and he can't do that unless you sign away your claim of parental rights! (Can you tell this last issue is the one that we ran into last night?) These two are the most common issues we run into. Usually, it wipes the list clean and we have to start all over again. However, things can get stranger. I had one potential donor crossed off because we go.o.gled him (yes, we go.o.gle all our donors) and found out he was convicted of a felony and lots of shady dealings.

::Sigh:: There are still a few guys on the list that might pan out. I'm not terribly hopeful.

This is our last cycle out of the game. If we don't have a new donor by my next CD1 then we are going back to donor boy and his severe lack of communication and very limited schedule. I suppose I should be thankful I even have that. I just really miss my first known donor.

The real poly experience.

The other day, while driving my family to their respective work places, we experienced a communication cluster fuck. It happens in every relationship but in a poly household they can get even more tangled than in a two person relationship. Thankfully, it was a scheduling confusion rather than anything with much emotional investment but it was a perfect example of real poly household life, made a tad more complex by sharing one car for three adults. It was a very "who is on first" kind of moment. Some of it was from me forgetting to talk about car arrangements then more confusion as the "reply all" button was not hit on an email thread about Monkey's schedule.

Actually, now that I think about it, I was the weak link in this particular cluster fuck. Oops. To redeem myself I did completely change my plans to accommodate my screw up. In the end it worked out better for everyone! I love it when that happens. :)

After it was all worked out Author said, laughing, "This is what people should think about when they think of poly!" We all cracked up. As long time poly people, we had all dealt with the misconception that poly is all about sex, often, with everyone. This little tangled knot of car use, work schedules, grocery shopping and the "reply all" email function is the real daily poly life.

It isn't all about communication issues and scheduling though. It is also about having diverse ways to deal with each other. Like the fact that Author catches me when I slack off from my meditation practice, even when I'm rationalizing it like a pro. Also, he found the perfect motivation to get Monkey back into his workout routine. Monkey has a great eye for world-building inconsistencies and grammar and typos in Author's rough drafts where I am more in tuned with possible character issues. Monkey knows me well enough to step in when I need to readdress my mental health issues and he knows Author well enough to be just the right combo of sympathetic and encouraging when he is freaking out about is writing career. Author and I like to shop for household things and talk about organizational supplies. Monkey and Author like to go to arcades and deconstruct movies. Monkey and I will go to truly crappy movies together and laugh the entire time. We each are something more for each other than any combo of two could ever be. That is the real poly experience.

And the sex is fucking awesome. :)

25lb smaller

I have lost 25lb in the last 10 weeks. This amazes me. I'm in awe that this is actually working.

::Background note: I'm obese, with no related diseases, and have almost always been fat to some degree. I have binge eating disorder. Back in 2005 I recognized and accepted that I had a severe eating disorder. I started to address it. Back in January of this year I found a cognitive behavioral therapy program that is, obviously, working really well for me. I also joined WW to help with the portion control and general lifestyle changes.::

I'm still losing a little fast, even though I'm constantly evaluating my food and exercise to make sure I'm not doing some sort of eating disorder flip side behavior. Monkey (who is a medical professional) is also keeping an eye on me. He is comfortable as long as I'm eating a balanced diet (I am) and not losing muscle (I'm not.)

As for ttc, my doctor and my women's health NP both agree that I can continue trying while losing weight as long as I'm being very careful about my nutrition. Also, as soon as I get a positive pregnancy test I'm suppose to stop following WW but I can keep up with the CB therapy because that isn't about food. It is about emotional relationships with food. (WW has a way to put it on hold for pregnancy and return when you are 6+ weeks post-partum. They adjust your plan to allow for extra calories for nursing parents.)

It has been a long time since I've lost weight. I don't think I've ever done it in such a healthy way. I feel like it may actually be possible to live without being constantly overwhelmed by my eating disorder. That is my ultimate goal. I will likely never be in my ideal BMI and I certainly will never be considered thin but I feel like I'm getting healthier every day. I feel like I may actually get out of the "obese" range someday. It is a very hopeful feeling.

Passed and Lapped

One of the hardest things about infertility is being passed and lapped by people you really want to be happy for. Friends and acquaintances who have tried long and hard to get pregnant finally do and you want to celebrate but it is like a knife in your heart that you have nothing to celebrate. People who are taking joy in the babes they worked so hard for and you want to be happy that they are enjoying parenthood but all you can think about is the possibility that you will never feel that joy.

I've been passed so many times. I honestly don't know how many times I've been lapped since I tend to wander off from people once they've gotten securely pregnant. No one I know personally has tried for as long as I have. No one I know has taken the limited intervention road that I have either. I didn't really choose this road. I have limited coverage and we are bogged down in student loan debt so those expensive interventions are mostly out of reach anyway. Time keeps ticking by, my eggs age, my body gets less "prime" and I feel more hopeless.

When I was 35 years old, and had been trying off and on for 3 years, I decided that 37 years old will be my reconsideration time. That is now 7 months away. Granted I didn't know I'd be taking a 10 month break in my 35th year, but I still think it would be good to reconsider where I'm going. I'm not willing to say I'll give up then. Maybe that will be when I toss financial caution to the wind and attempt to do some sort of infertility intervention extravaganza. Maybe I'll decide to put off deciding for another year. I promised myself that I'd quit by 40 years old but I left the last 3 years of my 30's open to whatever I thought I could handle. I don't want to leave this road without a baby but I also don't want to spend 10+ years obsessing over this. I'm hoping I never have to make this choice but I won't avoid it forever. I want a baby, desperately, but I also want a life that isn't defined by a constant quest for something I may never get.

Oh, fuck. Why can't I just get pregnant?

A break is as good as a rest.

I've found this ttc break to be exactly what I needed.

TTC fatigue is real, ask anyone who's been trying to get pregnant for more than a year (more than 4 years in my case.) You just get to this "fuck it" point where all the extra things you've been doing to supposedly help the process (but isn't obviously) becomes too much. Every prenatal pill that you've been taking for years without being, you know, actually prenatal becomes a reminder of failure. Other supplements, pills and potions are some sort of infertility punishment rather than hope. Every decaf latte you drowsily sip becomes a futile attempt to pretend you could be pregnant...this time, but you don't really believe it.

But, of course, you still do it. You keep swallowing those prenatals. You keep taking Chaste Tree Extract, False Unicorn Root, extra iron, DHA, Ume Plum Pills and anything else that seems to help some one else get pregnant. You keep ordering your coffee "decaf" and avoiding booze at least the second half of the cycle, if not entirely.

Taking a break relieves you of all that responsibility. You can stop taking all those vitamins and extracts. You can have a double mocha. You can have a glass of wine, a rum & coke, a martini without checking which cycle day you're on.

For the last 3 weeks I've been on a ttc break. I've had booze and caffeine. I didn't take my prenatals and skipped my extracts. I was so very much on break that I thought my period was due this weekend. I was shocked to check my tracker and find that I still wasn't due for another week! It felt so good to not be counting down the days from ovulation to period. I plan on taking next cycle off as well.

The funny thing about taking a break is, now that I've had a few weeks, I have found myself starting up with the prenatals, extracts and pills again. I still go for the caffeine-filled coffee and you better believe that a martini will be made this weekend but I don't feel as bogged down by the rest of the routine. It just seems usual.

I'm hoping that, when we start up again, I will have a feeling of newness. It will be fully spring, I'll be healthier than I have been before in body and mind, we will (hopefully) have a new local donor and Monkey will be in a new, less stressful job. Maybe we will get new results. Who knows! Stranger things have happened.

My brother's latest tragedy.

My little brother, T, found out last week that his dad has stage 4 lung cancer. J, T's dad, had just enough time to get his final arrangements made. Now J is in his final days, under hospice care and doped to near unconsciousness on pain killer to make him more comfortable.

(Background note if you are confused: T and I have the same mom but, obviously, different dads. T is 7 years younger and will always be my "lil bro" but is a grown man nonetheless. My mom and J divorced shortly after T was born so I barely saw J after I was about 8 years old.)

I ache for my brother. This is so sudden and so horrible. It is small consolation that he had a chance to say his goodbyes. It makes me so sad that T will now have lost both his parents before he turns 30 this summer. So young to have only siblings left.

T had worked hard on keeping his relationship with his dad over the last several years. J is a macho man from a very macho culture and his son's homosexuality was not exactly a comfortable subject for him. Though he didn't understand it, J didn't disown my brother or say he was sick/pervert/damned. J loves his son and so related to him the only way he knew how, through a "manly" activity. T loves cars and used that mutual interest to nurture a decent relationship with his dad. J is a good man. I hope his passing is as painless and gentle as possible.

In the midst of this heart-wrenching experience my brother is discovering a deeper level in his relationship with his boyfriend. Despite his romantic nature, my brother guards his heart well and has had few serious relationships. I was happy when, last fall, he said he was falling in love. This relationship is less than a year old but they both have been falling in love fast despite living about 8 hour drive from each other. The news of T's father came just a few days before their first real vacation together. T had to cancel. The bf was supposed to visit family back East right now. Instead, he surprised by brother by flying to him to spend the next few days. This tells me more about bf's seriousness and love for T than anything I've heard so far. :) Bf is there for my brother in his tragic times. This means a lot to T. It means a lot to me as T's very protective sister as well.

I had hoped to go to J's funeral but, complexities of ex-step-family relationships (and a tight pocketbook,) have changed my mind. I plan on sending flowers and a donation to the American Cancer Society in memory of J.