Is it really different?

I've been afraid to post. I'm afraid to talk about what is happening in ttc because things have been going so smoothly that it seems all too simple right now. I guess, after 5 1/2 years of fertility angst, I feel I might jinx any smooth sailing we have. If I manage to get pregnant I'm guessing I will feel this even more. But I'm trying to embrace the positive so here is what is up in our queer ttc-land.

I healed up from my polyp removal procedure very well. I had my post-op check up four weeks after the surgery and the doc cleared me to start trying again. With in a week I was hunting for a new known donor. Last week we met with a finalist on our potential donors and by the end of the meeting we were setting up the first insemination date..which happened to be less than a week later. That was this past Monday. Wednesday was the second insem. Timing was perfect and I ovulated Thursday.

Now for a bit about Mr Donor. He prefers to be pretty quiet about all this but I can say that we are only his second donor experience. The first couple he worked with was last month and they got pregnant on the first try after a long time trying with frozen. He is kind of Conservative which is a little strange but he seems to be a bit Libertarain leaning so the whole "live and let live" thing makes him okay with us being queer, poly, tattooed and pierced weirdos. His only rule is he wants to know the relationship is solid and stable. Well, Monkey and I have been together for 12+ years so we passed that requirement. :) He met Author and, after some questions about how we structure our family, he said he thought it was unique. That was it.

Every donor brings a unique and often hilarious situations. Mr Donor prefers to keep exchanges during working hours and in public places. This is so it doesn't take time away from his family. As a result, we are doing the sperm pass-off at a local mall food court. Yes, really. As long as there is less than an hour between creation and insemination, and is in a dark jar with a lid and kept warm, it is still viable. Author has decided that if I get pregnant the belly name will be "mall rat".

So I'm back in it! Next cycle I'll be doing a Clomid challenge test with lots of blood work and insems with Mr. Donor. I'm on the last leg of my ttc journey. I either get pregnant or I accept a new future without children. Now I just have to wait to find out which one it is.

Mark a Win

The last two years have been all about becoming more healthy. I started with properly treating my depression and anxiety (check!), moved on to addressing my eating disorder and obesity (check and ongoing check!) and lately it has been all about dealing with chronic pain.

Yes, I have chronic pain. I consistantly averaged a 6-7 on the pain scale daily. (Anything over a 4 on the pain scale will trigger most doctors to hand you prescription strength pain killers.) This started when I got a pretty severe repetitive stress injury in my back and right arm at 25 years old. It took six months to go back to regular full time work and a year to get to a stable point. Even then I was marked off as having permanently lost 8% of my physical ability forever. I was told that I would have flare ups of back pain for the rest of my life and a higher chance of tendon issues and arthritis. I assumed this meant I should just push through the pain because it would never really go away. I came from a family of addicts (various) so I wasn't about to pop narcotics on a regular basis and risk addiction. So I ignored it...for the last 11 years. And, surprise, the pain got worse. I injured myself repeatedly and had horrible flare ups that left me crying on the couch unable to move my arms. It made my depression and anxiety worse. It make me binge more for comfort. It made exercise 10x harder and so I continued to gain weight....which made my pain worse. You see how this feedback loop goes?

Well, silly me, I didn't realize the damage I was continually doing. Not just to my body but to my brain! I knew about neural pathways and how they become more likely to follow well used connections, like a rut in the road, but I never made the connection to pain messages. I have spent the last 11 years making deep ruts in my pain pathways. Now some of my pain has nothing to do with actual physical injury! The damn buggers are just zapping my brain with pain messages any old time they feel like it! (Side note: It is a theory that this is a possible cause of fibromyalgia. My primary NP suspects I would meet the diagnostic criteria for fibromyalgia but I don't think I'll bother with that.)

Two years ago this would have seemed like a situation impossible to change. I would feel helpless and hopeless. Thankfully, I'm new-found stability gave me the platform to address this. About 6 months into this new pain improvement project and I feel fantastic! I've tracked my pain, discovered what helps and what hurts. I've re-organized my chores, my kitchen set up and learned to ask for help from Monkey and Author when I have flare ups. As a result, I'm spending most of my time at a 1-2 on the pain scale and managing to get more done that I did before! I have accepted that careful use of some mild narcotic pain meds are a good thing and that, if I don't ignore my pain, I'm less likely to need them. I've added a regular, non-narcotic med that is managing my nerve-related pain amazingly.

So I'm marking another win in the "Bear 2.0" project!