Six years ago today my mother committed suicide. She felt trapped, hopeless and completely helpless to change her situation. My mom was in so much pain, physical and psychological, that death seemed the only option.
I'm not going to pretend my mom was all wonderful. She had her faults. We didn't get along and she sure as hell fucked me up in some ways. I still have some pretty strange body image issues and "work through the pain" ideas that are completely hers. However, she also taught me to be independent and strong. She accepted and loved me when I came out as queer, supported my polyamorous relationships and could care less if I made a lot of money as long as I was happy. All things considered, she wasn't horrible, just a flawed human being like the rest of us.
She thought that her death wouldn't matter. She thought I wouldn't care if she killed herself. She thought that my brother and I would be better off without her. I think a lot of people who attempt/commit suicide think that. It is NEVER true. Her suicide is a horrible legacy that she has left my brother and I. It will always be a part of us now. Not just her death but the fact that she took her own life, choosing to leave T and I behind to deal with the confusion, guilt, feelings of betrayal and anger that is part of every suicide survivor's inheritance.
As some one who has suffered with clinical depression all my life I know how tempting the though of suicide can be. What always stopped me was the thought of how it would effect the people who I left behind. I couldn't do that to my mom, my brother, my friends and lovers. Now that I know first hand what if feels like to be the one left behind I wish I could prevent it from happening to anyone ever again.
So this is in the memory of my mom, Colleen, and in honor of all of us that were left to pick up the pieces after a loved one commits suicide.
If you are considering suicide please hear me when I say that it isn't your only option. Somethings can be fixed, somethings can heal. You can and will feel better than this someday. Some one cares about you even if you don't realize it. Reach out and get help. Please try.
GET HELP!
Global: International Association for Suicide Prevention has information for crisis centers all over the world.
In the US: National Suicide Prevention Lifetime or Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
In Canada: Centre for Suicide Prevention
What a hard anniversary. One of my best friends lost her mother this way, too, and although it gets easier every year the loss is still keenly felt. I'll be thinking of you and your family on this difficult day. ((hugs))
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