Leaves aren't the only thing changing

I think the biggest change is how I'm feeling about trying to get pregnant. As of right now we are planning to do one insem each cycle with Bee until early next year. Once we've saved up enough we will do my last two clinic infertility cycles. I'm already thinking beyond those cycles to giving up. Of course, I've been thinking about that for awhile but, well, I guess I'm making the assumption that they won't work. I don't expect to get pregnant but I have to try. I have to check it off the list so I don't feel regret sometime later. Grief I will feel no matter what I do but I don't want to have regrets.

As a result of my lack of hope, I'm feeling pretty detached from the process. This weekend starts my fertile period. We emailed the dates to Bee and he hasn't gotten back to us yet. I'm indifferent. We could do an insem this cycle or not. Monkey, however, is not making the "it won't work" assumption. He can't really think about after the infertility cycles to giving up. Though he says he would be fine to give up I don't think he ever imagined we'd get to this point. It isn't a real possibility in his mind yet. He truly believes that, somehow, between now and then I will get pregnant and have a baby. I don't believe that at all. As I said before, I'm only doing these last attempts so that I know in my heart and my mind that I did whatever I was capable of to get pregnant. If Monkey is right and I do get pregnant in this process I will be completely and utterly shocked. It will actually require me to shift my life view back to what it was before I lost hope. Well, some of it anyway. I rather like some of the downsizing ideas that have come out of planning a different life.

Monkey and I have always been on different stages in this ttc process. I always feel like I'm a step or two ahead of him in it. I guess that isn't unusual since it is my body we are working with. I have to think ahead every two weeks and beyond. He has less to do in the theoretical stages of becoming a parent this way. He is thinking about it more now because he is trying to prepare for the possibility that it really won't happen. It makes me sad to see him trying to hold back the grief. I know all too well what it feels like.

To a certain extent I'm just ready for this to be over. I consider the possibility of giving up before the IF cycles but only for a moment. I need that closure. I need that final option behind me to let go. So now I'm in a ttc limbo with nothing to do but go through the motions and wait to see what happens.